Bringing Sexy Back
by Persephonae
Summary: Collection of oneshots about the ridiculous situations the Hokage's Assistants find themselves in! How much trouble can the two Chunin get themselves into? Especially at the front gates of Konoha. Rated for language and possible smuttiness. No yaoi.
1. Dance, Dance

**Welcome the the ridiculous antics of Hagane Kotetsu and Kamizuki Izumo! **

**I love these two, so I will be randomly creating oneshots of their amazingly idiotic ideas. That's not to say there won't be serious ones too, but I rather enjoy their silly side! **

**These are not yaoi pairings, so if that's what you're looking for...sorry :(  
**

**With that said, please enjoy the stories of a day in the life of these two! Some of these, of course, will be funnier the others.**

**Happy Reading! Thanks for reading/reviewing! **

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Izumo's head slowly fell forward as he drifted off for the thousandth time that day. He had given up fighting the boredom hours ago. Kotetsu snored as his face rested against the surface of the large table that spanned the length of their meager guard booth. As Izumo's chin lowered to touch his chest, the awkward angle forced his head to jerk upright—his eyes flying open.

"I'm awake!" he looked around, suddenly confused about where he was.

Kotetsu's snoring was a blaring reminder. Another day in the life of the Fifth Hokage's Assistant.

"Oh, yeah.....like _that_.." Kotetsu murmured in his sleep.

"Great," Izumo muttered, rubbing his eyes. It was peacefully silent at the Front Gate, as was usual for the Hidden Village.

"_Yeah..._right there..."

Izumo inwardly groaned. _Not this again!_ And was Kotetsu drooling on the table? A closer look was all he needed to confirm it. It was most definitely Kotetsu's mouth juice.

He slowly reached into the pocket of his flak jacket, removing a tiny scroll. In a flurry of quick hand movements, he summoned his camera. He had kept it for moments like these. In fact, he had about one hundred priceless photos of Kotetsu in various, and often inappropriate, situations. He smiled mischievously to himself, awaiting for the day when he could reveal those photos to the rest of the village, most likely after Kotetsu does something to royally piss him off...

_SNAP!_

He had forgotten to turn off the flash. He hid the camera under the table, waiting to see if the bright light would awaken his friend. When he thought it was safe, he brought the camera back up to his eye. Kotetsu was now smiling from ear to ear, drool dripping down his chin at an odd angle and pooling around the side of his face that was flattened against the table.

"No, not like _that!_" he groggily instructed his invisible counterpart. "Yeah..in your mouth...."

"You perverted son of a bitch," Izumo muttered, the smile still on his face as he focused his shot.

"Oh, baby--"

_SNAP!_

This time, Kotetsu flew upright, the confusion evident in his eyes as he looked around frantically.

"What the hell--" he roared.

The force of his sudden movement was enough to knock him backward, sending him toppling from his chair. Izumo nimbly returned the camera to the scroll, neatly tucking it back into his pocket. Kotetsu's hand slapped the table, landing in his own pool of spit as he tried to pull himself upright. His grip failed, and he fell backward for a second time.

"Motherfuckerassballsdouchebag!" he cried as he felt every bone in his body connect with the ground—and that was only_ after_ his head hit the far wall. For the second time. Izumo howled with laughter at the look on his friend's face.

"What's so goddamn funny?" Kotetsu shot back angrily, as he brought himself onto his knees. He peered warily at the clear liquid that spread across the table surface.

"Did you splooge on the table? Did I just stick my fucking hand in your jizz?" he suspiciously glared at the foreign fluid.

"N-no!" Izumo waved, tears running down his face. "Y-you were drooling in your sleep."

Kotetsu suspiciously stared at the pool of saliva. "I don't believe you," he said, rubbing the large knot that was forming on his head. Maybe he did fall asleep....

"I swear! You were being lazy again, and you feel asleep." Izumo wiped the tears from his face. "You were even talking in your sleep."

"Talkin' in my sleep?" he rubbed the tender spot, his head finally clearing. "Me? That doesn't sound like me." He glared at his friend between quick glances at the clear liquid.

"You _were_!" Izumo pointed at the spot where his head was resting. "You were saying some dirty shit about 'sticking it in your mouth'!" His face reddened slightly at having to repeat the questionable words that Kotetsu had so willingly shared in his sleep.

"Oh..." Kotestu muttered. "_Oh_," his eyes widened at the memory. "Yeah..that does sound like me," he grinned. "Dammit, why did I wake up? It was starting to get good!"

"I have no idea," Izumo shook his head. _But I have pictures. Lots of pictures, you lazy bastard_!

Kotetsu pulled himself onto his chair, staring at his own pool of drool. He poked it with a wary finger, before a grin spread across his face. "This is gross. If I had a chick stay over and I pull this shit--"

"Eh, your chances of getting laid are pretty much non-existent," Izumo shot back.

"More than yours!" Kotetsu pouted.

Izumo cringed. He had a point. Neither had much of a life. They only served the Hokage's needs. Other than that, they sat at this miserable gate, waiting for something—_anything_--to happen. Some days, he felt guilty for wishing that Sound or Mist would attack, just so they escape the personal hell that was their job.

Kotetsu's stomach growled. "Aww, man, I'm hungry!" he patted his stomach. "How much longer til dinner?"

"Three hours."

"Three?" he howled. "This job is such a waste of my life! I won't last three hours without food!"

"Quit your bitching. There's nothing more prestigious than being the protectors of this village." Izumo closed his eyes. His head was beginning to ache from Kotetsu's whining. This, too, was becoming a daily nuisance.

"What kind of protection are we offering?" he waved at the quiet scene before them. "No one has come in or out of the village in almost two days! It's a damned joke! We do nothing! We are Big Boobs' lap dogs!"

Again, he had a point, but Izumo wasn't about to share that. "Have a little more pride in our positions. And don't talk about the Hokage like that!" he snapped.

"What bit you in the ass?" Kotetsu grumbled as his lower lip jutted out. Sudden realization flashed across his face as he patted the front pocket of his flak jacket.

"Yessss!" he grinned as he reached inside and pulled out a crumpled parcel. Crumbs fell onto his lap as he did so. An unrecognizable lump sat in the middle of the package.

Izumo eyed it with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. The smell that was wafting from it was making his stomach turn. "What is _that_?"

"_This,_" Kotetsu picked up the smelly lump, his grin spreading wider, "is my snack!" With that, he shoved the entire thing in his mouth, chewing enthusiastically.

"How long has it been in there?" He knew he shouldn't have asked, but he couldn't help it. He was almost positive that it had mold on it...

"A couple weeks," he shrugged. "I can't even remember...."

That was enough to elicit a gag from Izumo. Kotetsu watched him with curiosity. "You alright? You want some?"

"Shut up!" Izumo snapped as he retched. He tried to control his thoughts, praying the stench from whatever Kotetsu was eating would disappear. "Get that," he pointed to the wrapper, "away from me!"

Kotetsu looked between Izumo and the paper, before balling the paper up and throwing it into the clearing in front of the Guard's Booth. "Better?"

"Much," Izumo swallowed a few times, pushing the bile back into his stomach. "Was there meat in that?"

"Yup."

"I hope you get the shits." Izumo shook his head in disgust.

"I hope _you _get the shits!"

Izumo didn't react to the prompt, instead watching as Naruto headed their way. Both men looked at one another, shrugging in unison before standing.

"Naruto!" Izumo called.

"What's up?" Kotetsu smiled, wiping the last of his snack off of his face.

"Hey guys," Naruto answered.

"Whatcha doin' out here? Somethin' happen?" Kotetsu spoke first.

"No...uh," the blonde scratched his head. "I-I just needed advice..."

Kotetsu's chest puffed out. "Well, you've come to the right place!" he jerked his thumb toward himself.

Naruto smiled, happy for the reassurance. "So, uh...er, do you guys, uh," his face started to turn pink as he nervously scratched the back of his neck, "knowhowtodance?"

"What was that?" Izumo leaned closer, not sure he had heard him correctly.

"The boy wants to know how to dance." Kotesu told Izumo matter-of-factly as he momentarily widened his eyes. _Play along_! he silently relayed the message.

"Yeah," Naruto's eyes remained focused on the ground. "Some of us are getting together tonight at the local hangout. You know, typical Saturday night..." he trailed off, meeting their gaze.

"We know," Kotetsu nodded. "A little alcohol. A little dancing. A little fun."

"Yeah, well, Sai informed me that people often dance when they go out to bars," Naruto sighed. "I-I just don't know _how to_! And I don't want to look like an ass in front of Sakura-chan!"

The two assistants looked at one another, a slight grin spreading across their faces.

"So, a girl's involved, eh?" Kotetsu drawled, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting on the table.

Izumo suppressed a snort as Kotetsu's eyes widened when he felt the cold wetness that seeped through his pants. He had obviously forgotten about the gallon of spit he graced the table with. Kotetsu mustered his most serious face as Naruto spoke.

"Well...uh, I just don't want to look stupid! I didn't even know dancing was a part of this stuff! Stupid dick-head Sai and his books!" he whined.

"So, you've never been out for a few drinks before, huh?" Izumo had put on his Executive Face—as Kotetsu called it.

Naruto shook his head. "Since you guys are old, I thought that maybe you had experience with this stuff."

Out of the corner of his eye, Izumo could see the vein in Kotetsu's forehead swell. He quickly decided that he would do the talking. "Well, you came to the right place!" he smiled.

"Really?" Naruto's eyes lit up with his appreciation.

Kotetsu nodded, "Damn straight!" He leaped over the table, landing a foot in front of Naruto. He put his hand on the Sage's shoulder, steering him into the village.

"Dammit, Kotetsu! You're not leaving me here alone with this job! Quit avoiding your duty!" Izumo yelled. Suddenly, a Shadow Clone was seated next to him.

"Problem fixed," Kotetsu called over his shoulder, as Izumo's mouth dropped open.

"Oh now you _don't_," he growled, as he, too, filled his seat with a clone of his own.

He caught up as Kotetsu began teaching Naruto the basics of dancing. "The first one I'm going to teach you," he winked at Izumo over his shoulder, "is called 'The Shopping Cart'....."

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Izumo and Kotetsu were in much better moods for the remainder of their time at the front gate. They had spent an hour teaching Naruto how to dance. The Lawnmower. The Shopping Cart. The Sprinkler. The Running Man.

"I can't believe you taught him The Cabbage Patch!" Kotetsu wiped a tear from his eye. "That one's a classic!"

"Well, I can't wait to see what happens when he does The Fishing Pole!" Izumo pointed out, shaking his head.

"Was it mean that I told him any girl would be flattered to be his _catch_?"

"Maybe a little," Izumo agreed.

"Oh man, Sakura is going to kick his ass!" Kotetsu slapped his thigh. "It was just too easy! I-I-I couldn't help it! Oh man, I hope he does the fuckin' Robot!"

Suddenly, his face grew serious. "What are you doing later?"

Izumo thought for a few moments. He was going to practice his calligraphy tonight, maybe write a letter to his mother, but other than that....

"No plans." His face turned red from the thought. Gods, he truly was pathetic.

Kotetsu nodded, "Good, put off jacking off until tomorrow, because we are going out tonight. We have to see Naruto put these moves to good use. _Have to_."

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They showed up in their work uniforms, weaving through the thick crowd and finding the table of Chunin and Naruto. The handful of bottles in front of Naruto told them that he had taken their advice to only dance once he was good and sloshed. Kotetsu grinned at Izumo, before giving Naruto a thumbs up. The music was loud, so he avoided yelling at Naruto over the table.

"You're still wearing that ridiculous rag over your face," came the drawling voice. Kotetsu turned to find Shikamaru standing there, slowly drinking his beer.

"Nara! You're still being as fucking emo as ever!" he slapped Shikamaru on his shoulder.

"Emo?" he echoed. "Nah, too much trouble for me." He brought the bottle up to his lips, glancing at Naruto.

"I take it you had something to do with that?" he nodded toward Naruto, who was slowly drinking himself in to oblivion. "I saw you two with him earlier," Shikamaru continued. "It was easy to deduce."

"Congratulations, you win for espionage," Izumo countered.

"Yeah, you'll get your shitty ass cookie later!" Kotetsu leaned forward, his mouth close to Shikamaru's ear as he continued, "If you ruin this, Nara, I swear I'll tell the whole village that you sleep with a pair of Temari's underwear under your pillow. Imagine how _she'll_ react to that rumor. Word travels fast to Sand."

Shikamaru brought the bottle to his mouth and took a large gulp. "Do as you wish, I don't give a damn." The slight tinge to his cheeks were enough to make Kotetsu content.

"Plan is a go," he grinned at Izumo.

"What did you say to him?" Izumo peered at Shikamaru over Kotetsu's shoulder.

"Long story," he shook his head. "Just needed to shut him up."

The two rounded the table, giving out high-fives and greeting the younger shinobi. They each took a seat next to Naruto, who was obviously on his way to an Ultimate Hangover.

"Izumo! Kotetsu! You two," he put an arm around each of their shoulders, "are freakin' awesome!" He was grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Yeah, why don't you wait for the praise until after you shred the dance floor with your sweet dance moves," Kotetsu prompted.

"Oh, man, I can't begin to thank you enough for earlier," his cheeks were red from the alcohol.

"No need to thank us. It was the least we could do," Izumo chimed in.

"Well, you two rock! I'll have to take you out for ramen. If you ever need anything--"

"Please, Naruto! You're making me blush!" Kotetsu fanned his face, blinking like a school-girl. Izumo rolled his eyes, his friend could be quite the actor when he needed to be.

A new song began to play, and Ino squealed, "It's my favorite band! Sakura! You have to come dance with me!"

She grabbed Sakura's hand and began to drag her to the dance floor. Sakura cast one last glance back over her shoulder toward Naruto, as if begging him for help. Naruto watched them leave over the top of his glass. He tipped his head back, pouring the rest of his drink down his throat. He mostly missed his mouth, instead spilling his alcohol all over the front of his shirt.

"Shit!" he grumbled. "It looked so much cooler in my head!" Naruto looked at the dance floor, squaring his shoulders as he rose from his chair.

"Make sure to emphasize the casting of the line!" Izumo yelled, mimicking with the flick of his wrist.

Naruto grinned, giving the two men a thumbs up before pushing his way to the dance floor. Within a few moments, he had completely disappeared from their line of sight. The two men high-fived one another, sitting back in their chairs.

"The countdown begins," Kotetsu grinned, looking at his wrist.

"You don't own a watch, Kotetsu," Izumo informed him.

"Dammit, you're right," he shook his head in confusion. "I thought I did."

Shikamaru took a seat next to them. Izumo raised an eyebrow in silent question. Shikamaru raised his beer to his mouth, mumbling, "You are setting him up for an epic fail. And I suppose I'm going to watch that train wreck unfold."

Suddenly the loud murmur passed through the crowd. Kotetsu grinned, "'Spose we should see how our boy is doing."

Izumo nodded, as they looked at Shikamaru. "Fine," he groaned as he followed them through the crowd.

"...he's doing The Lawnmower!..."

"...Shopping Cart..."

"...what classics..."

"...Mwaaah! He's so cool!..."

"..._I'm _going to dance with him next, bitch!.."

"...is he single?...."

With each comment, Kotetsu and Izumo's confusion grew. These girls couldn't be talking about Naruto could they?

"Excuse me! Hokage's Assistants coming through!" Kotetsu pushed his way to the dance floor in time to see Naruto doing a quick spin while flapping his arms around. On the far side of the dance floor, Lee was attempting to mimic the moves, though no one was paying attention to him.

"Holy hell! He's really doing it!" Izumo guffawed.

"Oh no," Shikamaru groaned. "He's preparing for The Fishing Pole. How troublesome. This is going to end in disaster."

"Yes!" Kotetsu happily hissed.

Sure enough, Naruto pointed to Sakura—who looked around nervously. Ino shook her head, rolling her eyes in distaste. She, obviously, did not enjoy Naruto's dance tactics. Naruto cast the line, pretending to pull it back. Sakura stood there, her face turning red as everyone stared at her. A few 'boo's' rang out.

"Oh man, she's going to beat him. Again." Izumo murmured, feeling slightly sorry for taking advantage of Naruto's naivety. It had only been a week since she had last pummeled him for using his Sexy no Jutsu technique in front of the Hokage.

Before Kotetsu could respond, Sakura suddenly began to jerk forward, as if she were a fish caught by Naruto's line.....

"No. Fucking. Way." Kotetsu breathed.

"Way." Izumo nodded. "Definitely, _way._"

Suddenly the crowd burst out into cheers—well, everyone except Ino. Sakura blushed furiously as she gently hit Naruto on the shoulder. He grinned, as everyone waited for his next move. Suddenly, his arm jerked upright, followed by the other arm.

"The Robot?" Kotetsu howled. "How did he--"

"Who cares?" Shikamaru shrugged. "It's a staple to all idiotic dance moves."

Idiotic moves or not, the crowed roared with applause, as people began to re-enact Naruto's dance moves.

Kotetsu shook his head, turning from the dance floor. "Man, this was an epic fail. I need a drink."

The three left the dance floor, finding their way back to the table. Izumo waved for the hostess to bring them another round. "Well, that was a waste of my night," he moaned.

"What were you going to do? Jerk it to pictures of the Hokage's breasts while you cry about your pathetic life at the front gates?" Kotetsu shot back.

"Gross," Shikamaru muttered.

"I-I don't own any such pictures!" Izumo waved his hands frantically. He couldn't risk such rumors getting out...

Lee came to the table, slumping down, "Naruto knew all of Sensei's Super Secret Dance Moves, how amazing!"

Kotetsu and Izumo stared at Lee with mild interest. "Of _course _Might Guy would use those dance moves," Izumo muttered under his breath.

"...His Springtime of Youth is so _bright_..so _strong...._" Lee was now speaking to an empty bottle. "He managed to get Sakura-san to fall into his hands, like putty! I must train harder if I am to compete with his total coolness!"

At some point, he managed to pull out what looked like a diary, writing furiously as tears streamed down his face. "Sensei will be disappointed in me!"

The three Chunin ignored his odd ramblings. Any other time, Kotetsu and Izumo would have found it amusing. Naruto came walking back to the table, sweat soaking through his shirt.

He slapped both men on the shoulders, "Thanks again, guys!"

"Don't mention it," Kotetsu murmured darkly.

"No way! I owe you two! Sakura-chan said she'd go on a date with me!" he was beaming.

"Good for you. Really." Kotetsu rolled his eyes. He could care less about anyone's social life.

Naruto grinned. "Oh, and thanks for being giant tools."

"You're wel—what the hell kind of shitty ass thanks is that?" Kotetsu looked up in surprise.

"I'm not _that _dense," Naruto shrugged. "Especially when no one else is dancing like that. Except Bushy Brows, over there," he nodded his head in Lee's direction.

"I can't believe I let you convince me this was a good idea," Izumo shook his head as he took a swig of his beer.

"Quit being a pansy!" Kotetsu shot back. "We thought he'd be too shit-faced to realize it." _Man, did we underestimate him_!

Shikamaru snorted into his bottle. His eyes widened as both Izumo and Kotetsu turned toward him, their non-plussed expressions plastered on their faces. He immediately knew he would be the focus of their misguided wrath. He inwardly cringed.

Naruto leaned down between the two Guards, his voice low enough so that only they could hear. "At first, I thought it was because you two were getting old, maybe those dance moves were just out-dated," he conceded. "But, I see that I gave you too much benefit."

A fox-like smile spread across his face, "My original intent, earlier, was to see how easily I could lure you two from your posts."

"Wha?" they asked in unison. The muscle under Izumo's eye began to twitch. Kotetsu knew that wasn't a good thing...

Naruto nodded, "I've probably had a bit too much tonight, so I'll let you in on the secret. Your raises were dependent on how long it took me to get you two away from the gate. The Old Hag sent me to do it in exchange for an extra mission so I could take Sakura-chan out on a proper date. If she said yes, of course." The goofy smile resurfaced on his face.

The two Chunin's jaws fell open in unison. Naruto...testing _them_?

"Dammit!" Izumo barked, punching Kotetsu in the arm. "You made me lose my raise. Again!"

Kotetsu's mouth was still hanging open in shock as he ignored the physical assault. He had just been bested by a _kid? _The same kid that used to graffiti the Hokage Monument?

"Wait, you promised us dinner. Ramen!" Kotetsu pointed out. "You won't take _dinner _back, would you?" he laughed nervously. He could care less if Naruto was angry, the boy promised them food, and Naruto was always good for his word.

"Leave ramen out of this," Naruto's face grew dark. He leaned closer, his grip on their shoulders tightening. "While I do appreciate your _help_, guys," he growled, alcohol on his breath, "I do owe you one. I'll give you fair warning to not leave your backs turned for too long. I've been meaning to brush up on my One Thousand Years of Death."

"No!" Kotetsu gasped, as Naruto turned to leave them brew in their own misjudgment. "He wouldnt....not _that_...no one uses that..."

Izumo glared angrily at his friend. "What?" Kotetsu asked, his patience wearing thin. He was already thinking of how to get his hands a hold of steel briefs. Even steel mesh may work...

When Izumo said nothing, Kotetsu sighed, "Don't worry, I don't think he's really going to two-finger salute your no-no hole just yet."

Shikamaru snorted, followed by frantic coughing as he inhaled his drink. Izumo's eyes narrowed at the reminder of Naruto's threat. "You and your stupid ass ideas," he spat.

"It's nothing to cry yourself to sleep over," Kotetsu teased, despite the fact that he kept looking over his shoulder nervously.

Izumo shook his head in disbelief. "Sometimes, I really hate you and your idiotic ideas, Hagane Kotetsu. "


	2. Fun With Markers

**Second one-shot. Let me know what you think. **

**Send me any scenarios you may want to see (or not see). **

**Again, thanks to tosakuai for the inspiration ;)**

**Enjoy!**

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_Deep breathing. Breathe deep! In. Out. In. Out._ Izumo silently instructed himself. He was having a difficult time proofreading the Hokage's documents with Kotetsu's incessant snoring.

Another snore cut through his concentration as he angrily held the pencil between two trembling fingers. He hadn't realized how much force he had been using until the frail, wooden writing utensil snapped into two pieces. Izumo was becoming more irritated by the minute, and he knew it would only be a matter of time before Kotetsu began his ritual of talking dirty in his sleep. He stared darkly at the smaller half of the pencil—the part with the tip he had been using. Another snore was all it took for him to angrily throw his pencil at Kotetsu.

"Shut the hell up, asshole!" he snapped as the tiny instrument flew at Kotetsu with deadly accuracy.

The sharp tip connected with the thin skin on Kotetsu's neck. It pierced the skin, so that half of the broken pencil stuck out of the chunin's neck at a ninety-degree angle. Izumo's pursed his lips and held his breath, waiting for Kotetsu to scream in pain and awaken. Instead, the sleeping shinobi continued to snore as his head hung off the back of the chair and a long string of drool dripped from his mouth. With each breath he took, the sharded wooden writing stick wiggled and the drool touched the floor before almost being sucked into Kotetsu's mouth.

"Huh?" Izumo scooted closer, examining the pencil. It had definitely penetrated the skin...but, didn't it hurt?

His eyes studied Kotetsu's face, but the awkward smile on the sleeping beauty told him otherwise. The pencil continued to mockingly move with each of Kotetsu's snoring breaths. Izumo shook his head in frustration, glaring angrily at his friend. It was like Kotetsu to not want to help him partake in their duties, instead opting to sleep. And it was like Izumo to sigh and just do the work. But, today, he was especially edgy. Perhaps it was because he knew that the Tsuchikage was in Konoha, meeting with Tsunade to discuss reparations between the two countries.

No one could remember the last time that the Iwagakure Kage had set foot into Konohagakure. It had been almost eight months since the Kage Summit, where Danzo had foully represented Konoha. Now, it was Fifth's duty to pick up the pieces and ease the tensions between Fire and Earth. Tsunade had run around like a chicken with her head cut off these past two weeks, giving the two assistants more work than they were used to. Izumo understood the necessity for the extra load, but Kotetsu...he was...well, _Kotetsu_.

"No, baby, that camera ain't on...just for show...." he mumbled.

Izumo rolled his eyes, as he lowered his head to the table. He slowly began to beat his forehead against the wood. If only he had the courage to hit himself hard enough....

"Take it off....no, more slowly.....move to the right a few steps..yeah..."

Izumo felt his pockets, looking for another writing utensil, since his current one was still stuck in Kotetsu's neck. He wasn't entirely sure if he had penetrated an artery, and he didn't want to pull out the pencil only to have Kotetsu bleed to death at the front gates of Konoha. He managed to find a marker in his pocket, quickly pulling the cap off and continuing his editing. He cursed himself under his breath, wishing that he would have taken his Constructive Writing course more seriously during his Academy days.

"Mmmm...Shizune..."

Izumo raised an eyebrow. _Shizune? _

"Interesting..." he murmured as he continued to scan the doctrine, he'd make a mental note of this dream, for sure.

He finished his editing and leaned back in his chair. Now, what was he going to do for the rest of the day ? He glared at Kotetsu, who was happily dreaming away, his mouth hanging open as his head bobbed. The pencil was an eyesore to Izumo. Suddenly, Izumo had an idea. His fingers closed around the black marker, as he deftly pushed the cap off. He held it at arm's length, lightly touching the tip to Kotetsu's face. When Kotetsu didn't respond, he pushed harder. Still, nothing. He pulled it along the surface of the sleeping man's skin.

Kotetsu snored in response.

"'Sunade! Feel free to join us..."

"What the hell?" Izumo hissed, drawing back in disgust. Is _this _what he dreams about all day long? He shook his head, there was definitely something wrong his this man!

Izumo quietly crouched next to Kotetsu, applying his own artistic touch to his friend's face. He knew it was wrong, but why should Kotetsu get to sleep and shirk his duties while Izumo worked hard?

Minutes later, a satisfied Izumo was leaning back in his chair. He glanced at his Kotetsu, admiring his handiwork. He had successfully colored in Kotetsu's eyebrows, which led him to make them much larger and darker. Soon, Kotetsu sported a pair of two very thick brows, Might Guy-style. Izumo matched the bushy brows with a full on fu manchu and a complimenting pair of sideburns. He couldn't help but laugh at his artistic abilities. Kotetsu looked ridiculous, and he loved every minute of it. He squinted at the tiny writing on the marker: _permanent ink_.

"Good," he muttered. "Bastard deserves it. That'll teach him to be lazy!"

For the next ten minutes, the few people that walked by looked at Kotetsu and laughed. Izumo couldn't help but feel satisfied at his punishment. A few more minutes passed, and his eyes began to grow heavy. He leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on the table. The sound of Kotetsu's snoring was becoming more like a lullaby to him.....

Soon, he, too had fallen asleep.

***

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***

Kotetsu jerked awake, as his body fell onto the floor. He grumbled to himself—he was going to have to buy a more comfortable chair, and it was the third time this week he had fallen out of it while he was napping. He rubbed his head groggily, confused at how he ended up on the floor. He realized he was working, as he inwardly groaned at his luck.

"What a boring, fucking job," he complained.

He looked over at Izumo, who was lounging in his chair, his head softly falling forward before jerking upright--the marker sticking out from his right hand suddenly gave Kotetsu an idea. He expertly removed the marker from Izumo's sleepy grip, uncapping it and drawing on his face. He muffled his giggles as he drew the penis pointing toward Izumo's mouth. He sat back, wondering what he could draw next. He felt that Izumo's forehead lacked _something_.

"I LIKE LITTLE BOYS!" he scrawled across Izumo's forehead.

"I LUV THE FIFTH!" animated the cheek opposite the giant, leaky penis.

He leaned back, smug satisfaction on his face, "Niiiice!"

He left the marker on the table, next to the documents that Izumo was reading. He quickly scanned the first page, grimacing as he realized that it was in regards to treaties. "What the hell is this shit? Iwagakure?"

"Oh, yeah, that old bat is in Konoha this week," he told himself. As if the words didn't sink in the first time, he suddenly realized that Tsunade had warned them to be on their best behavior. And he knew that giant penis on Izumo's face was not considered 'best behavior'.

"Shit shit shit," he hissed, as he licked his thumb and tried to remove the ink from his face.

When it didn't budge, another string of profanities was spouted. His face was inches from Izumo's as he licked his thumb to attempt a second round of marker-removal when Izumo opened his eyes. The latter blinked a few times, before either realized how close their faces were. Izumo's eyes grew round as he screamed.

"What are you doing?" he finally managed after a moment.

Kotetsu's face turned red, as he opted to go with deception. "N-nothing. A bug was on your face, I was just, uh tryin' to get it off!"

"You're in my personal space, what's wrong with you?" Izumo countered, pulling his knees onto the chair.

"What's wrong with _you_?" Kotetsu pointed out. "For starters, you screamed like a little girl, you asshole. Second, why are you acting like I just molested you?" he nodded, indicating how Izumo was rocking back and forth on the chair with his knees to his chest. Izumo said nothing, as he stared at Kotetsu's face.

"Dude, why are you staring at me like that?" Kotetsu asked suspiciously. _Does he know his face has a giant peen on it? _

Izumo smiled, waving his hands in the air. "N-nothing! You caught me by surprise, that's all." He tried his damndest no to laugh as Kotetus's giant eyebrows rose expectantly.

Kotesu watched the doodled male genitalia wiggle with each word. He snorted. "Dammit, my neck stings!" He raised a hand to his neck, finding the pencil still embedded in the skin.

"What the--?" he asked, his eyes wide with fear. "Did someone stick me with a dart? What is sticking out of my neck?" he pointed at the object.

Izumo shook his head, narrowing his eyes in concentration. "I-I don't know. Looks like a pencil..."

"Get it out! Get it out!" Kotetsu began to jump up and down, flailing his arms frantically.

Izumo reached up and pulled the shard of wood and lead form Kotetsu's neck. The latter screeched. "It hurt!" he pouted, rubbing his neck.

"Quite your whinin'!" Izumo grumbled.

"Is there going to be a scar?" he angled his head, pointing at the tiny black dot that indicated the pencils presence. "I can't have a scar, not _this _close to my flawless face."

Izumo laughed at his comment. "It's fine. You'll live."

Kotetsu reached forward, taking the broken pencil in his hand. "How the hell did it get here anyway?" he rolled the tiny instrument between his thumb and forefinger.

Izumo shrugged. "Did you fall off your chair again?"

"Yeah..."

"Maybe you landed on it?" he suggested, suddenly finding the papers more interesting.

"Maybe....I suppose that could have done it," Kotetsu agreed.

"Oh shit, the Hokage!" Izumo muttered under his breath. He could see the Fifth and the ancient Iwa kage coming toward them. He debated on telling Kotetsu about his face....

"Kotetsu! Izumo!" Tsunade called out, as they approached. Her face suddenly paled when the two kages were mere feet away. Until then, she had been in conversation with the short, balding man. Izumo inwardly cringed, he knew she had seen Kotetsu's face.

Both men stood, bowing to the bewildered man. "Hokage-sama," Izumo murmured.

"What's the meaning of this?" she asked, her face turning bright red. She crossed her arms over her chest.

The Tsuchikage eyed both men with disdain. "Hmph!"

Kotetsu and Izumo looked at one another, each in the dark about the other's mischeif. "Well, uh--" Izumo began.

"He likes little boys," Kotetsu shrugged, jerking his thumb toward Izumo. "Obviously."

"What?" Izumo's mouth dropped open as he spun toward Kotetsu.

"I'm just tellin' you what your forehead says," he avoided Izumo's confused stare.

"M-my forehead?" his hand slapped his face. "You drew on me?"

"Pretty badly, if you ask me," the short Kage mumbled. "If that's a turtle on your cheek, it's one hell of crappy drawing. Neck's too long and skinny."

Tsunade's eyes flew open, as her face turned even more crimson. "I-I'm sorry, Tsuchikage-sama," she bowed slightly.

Izumo said nothing, as he realized what had happened. He closed his eyes, sighing his resignation, "What else does my face say?"

The kage jumped up on the table, looking more closely at Izumo's face. "You love the Hokage, apparently. That's some way to suck up, my boy."

The old man shuffled over to Kotetsu, leaning forward and peering at his face. "Get out of my face, old man!" the chunin took a step back..

"You will not address the Tsuchikage in such a manner!" Tsunade's eyes flashed their anger as her voice remained a commanding presences.

"Let them be, Tsunade," the old man chuckled. "This one," he pointed at Kotetsu, "Looks a lot like the taijutsu specialist that wears that ridiculous green spandex uniform."

"You made me look like _Might Guy_?" Kotetsu hollered. "I'm offended!"

"I'd be offended if I had a fu manchu, too," the old man shrugged.

"You're offended? _You _are offended?" Izumo howled, ignoring the kage. He pointed to his face, "I apparently have a turtle penis on my effing face, and you wrote that I love _children_? Are you trying to get me arrested?"

"Little boys."

"What?" both Kotetsu and Izumo asked in unison.

The short man repeated himself. "Not just children. Little boys. Says so on your head, sonny! Very specific."

Izumo grabbed Kotetsu by his neck, as Kotetsu tried to wiggle from his grasp. "Izumo...can't...breath..."

"That's the point, _asshole_!"

"But you wrote on me too!" Kotetsu whined between gasps.

"You were sleeping when you should have been helping me! You deserved it! Mine was harmless."

"Looking like the Green Beast is _not _harmless. Chicks do _not _dig Might Guy!"

"And making me into a pornographic pedophile _is_ harmless?" Izumo hissed.

"Heh," Kotesu grunted. "You do look pretty ridiculous."

"Damn you!" Izumo released his grip on Kotetsu, swinging at him furiously.

Kotetsu dodged the kicks and punches, trying to reason with Izumo. "Izumo! Seriously! Settle down. Let's talk about this!"

The Tsuchikage leaped down from the table, returning to Tsunade's side. Her eyes were bulging from her head as her hands balled into fists.

"I see why you have these two at the front gates," he told her as he shook his head in disdain. He turned, "I'm gonna go find some pretty girls. We'll meet up tomorrow for a continuation of our negotiations, yes?" He didn't wait for her approval, laughing as he walked back toward the village.

"...Loves little boys..." She could hear him remark. "So that's what these Leaf shinobi are made of!"

Kotetsu and Izumo continued to argue, ignoring the the kages. The sound of a nearby explosion forced them to stop fighting. At that point, each of them had their hands around the others' neck. They turned, fearfully finding the Hokage standing where their table had been. She stood, removing her fist from the splintered wood. She pulled a table leg from the rubble, menacingly slapping it into her open palm. Her head was lowered, and her eyes were shadowed. Both men gulped, realizing that they were in big trouble.

"T-Tsunade-sama..." Kotetsu yelped.

"Don't you _dare_ address me, you assholes!" she barked. "Both of you. My quarters. Ten minutes!" The wooden table leg was crushed into dust with the closing of her fist. She turned and stormed toward the mansion. Neither man said anything, each man's hands were still around the other's neck as they stared after Tsunade.

"Izumo? Is it true you soil your pants right before you die?"

"I have heard of it, why?" he asked in an equally shaky voice. They momentarily forgot their hostilities toward one another, as their doodled faces turned white from fear.

"Because," he licked his black, markered lips. "I just peed myself."


	3. Victoria's Secret

"Hey, Hinata!" Kotetsu waved enthusiastically. "Hey! Hey, over _here_!"

"Hinata, wanna help us with these fliers?" Izumo asked innocently, waving his hand in the air. Sakura watched the exchange in silent confusion as the red-faced Hyuuga turned and stormed off. She thought she could hear few profanities being sputtered along the way.

"Uh, guys...why are you calling Neji 'Hinata'?" she asked, hesitant as to whether she truly wanted an honest to goodness answer. From them.

Izumo pulled another nail from his mouth, and began hammering the flier into the wooden beam next to the Guard Booth. Kotetsu watched Neji's furious strides with a satisfied smirk. Sakura cleared her throat in warning and Kotetsu turned his head in her direction.

"What?" he asked, as if he had no idea as to _why _she was asking such a question.

"Nofer un!" Izumo grunted, his hand grasping at air. Sakura continued to stare at Kotetsu, her green eyes flashing. Her eyes remained on his face, as she handed the flier to Izumo.

Kotetsu felt a chill run down his spine--Sakura scared him. Almost as much as Tsunade, though he wouldn't let _either _woman know that. He shrugged, a grin masking his momentary terror, "Oh, just playin' around. Besides, he's so easy to get riled up."

"Definitely," Izumo murmured, instantly balking at Sakura's emerald stare. He knew she could pummel him with her fists if she so desired. And, right now, she looked like she desired it!

"I can see that," she shook her head, a frown marring her features, "but _why_ bother him. Really?"

"I dunno," Kotetsu chewed his lip, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Got nothin' better to do, right Izumo?"

"Wight!" the chuunin answered through a mouthful of nails.

Sakura sighed angrily, reaching past Izumo's and pounding the nail in with a chakra-infused fist. She smiled in satisfaction as he jumped from the close contact. "You two need to find something better to do besides terrorizing poor Neji," she chastised them.

"Like _we_ don't know how bored we are?" Izumo was still eyeing the nail Sakura had massacred as he tried to keep his teeth from chattering.

"Besides," Kotetsu pointed out, "his arrogance annoys me. Why doesn't he cut his hair already? He looks like a girl!"

Sakura said nothing. Kotetsu had a point--Neji's hair _was _longer than most of the women in the village. "I don't think he looks like a girl," she murmured. "He's actually kinda cute." She blushed, realizing what she had shared with the village idiots. "But not my type," she hurriedly added.

Both men stared at her, their mouths hanging open. "You mean all I needed to do was to find purple contacts, have an I'm-too-good-for-you attitude, and grow my hair out, and you'd think I was dead sexxxy?" Kotetsu teased. "Who'd have known _that's _what you preferred, Sakura."

"I said he's not my type!" she snapped, her fist angrily closing around the hammer she was holding for Izumo.

"You're, uh..." Izumo nodded toward the hammer as it began to crumble under her grip. "It's dying."

Sakura realized she was decimating the wooden handle. "Oh, sorry!" she yelped, as she rubbed her neck nervously.

"But _seriously_," Kotetsu continued. "If I looked like _that_, you'd go out with me?"

"No, if you looked like Genma, I'd go out with you," she pursed her lips, hiding her satisfaction as they both stared at her incredulously.

"Dammit! All the women love_ him_!" Izumo muttered as they moved on to their next stop, "But why? I just don't get it! Is it his attitude?" he began to speculate.

"He _is_ kinda dreamy," Kotetsu muttered, "all cool and collected and shit."

"Or is it how he can use his mouth?" Izumo asked, immediately changing tactics when Sakura's eyes narrowed in anger. "With the senbon, Sakura! Geez, where is your mind today?" he waved his hands in the air, smiling his innocence.

"How are we going to ever get chicks?" Kotetsu whined as he followed them.

"Your best chance, guys," Sakura's informed them, "is to try the newest class on the field. They, at least, don't know you two. Yet."

"Har har," Izumo rolled his eyes. "Like I want to date a twelve-year-old."

"Actually," Kotetsu winked at Sakura, "I think that's a fan-freakin'-tastic idea!"

Izumo groaned, predicting Sakura's move before he saw it. Sure enough, he watched Sakura punch Kotetsu in the jaw--her first connecting with a satisfying thud. "Those may be _my_ students!" she roared, before turning and storming off.

"Put your own damn fliers up! I'm going back to the clinic, I don't care if Tsunade asked me to help you!" she growled over her shoulder, tossing the handful of paper onto the ground.

"You really have a way with women," Izumo murmured as he continued to hammer away.

"Tell me something I don't know," Kotetsu pouted. He grinned at the flier he held in his hand, "Hey Izumo, did we think of costumes yet?"

***

* * *

***

Tsunade had decided that, in order to raise shinobi morale, she would host a Costume Party at the Hokage Mansion. The only requirement: dressing up as another shinobi. She, herself, thought it witty to dress up as Jiraiya—the perfect homage to her former teammate. She shed a tear or two when she looked into the mirror and saw herself with a wig, face paint, and a sage robe.

"This is what our children would have look like!" she had wailed, the effects of her sake already taking hold.

"Tsunade, have you ever kissed Jiraiya?" Shizune asked.

Tsunade turned to look at her, "No, why?"

"Because that's a few steps removed from having children. If you haven't reached the first step, why speculate as to what your kids would look like?"

Tsunade stared into the mirror, adjusting her misshapen wig. "Good point. From the looks of it, they would have been ugly anyway," she muttered as she gulped down the last of her drink.

Shizune shook her head in amusement, as she examined her own costume. It didn't take her much time to transform herself into the visage of Anko. If only she could master the scowl....

"S'pose we should go downstairs, Tsunade," she replied, "Most of your guests are here." She turned to depart from the room. Suddenly, she remembered something from earlier. "Oh, and Hyuuga Neji had a matter he wanted to discuss with you."

"Oh?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Wonder why he wishes to talk to me."

"He wouldn't say. He did ask if you were 'a gambling woman'?" Shizune replied before she returned to the party. Tsunade smirked, her interest definitely piqued. What could the Hyuuga boy want with her?

***

* * *

***

Hours later, most of the guests had arrived. Some costumes were taken with stride while others quarreled over the fact that they shared the same costume with someone else. Sakura and Ino had done just that, both arguing over which one _should _have dressed as Tsunade. Ino had the proportions and hair color to pull it off, while Sakura had the minute habits nailed down perfectly.

Kotetsu attempted to dispel the argument, putting his arms around both women. "Ladies, ladies! Calm down. There's enough of me to go around," he cooed, as both women glared at him in disgust.

"That's poor taste, Kotetsu," Ino warned, tossing her hair from her eyes as she looked over his costume.

"I like to call it 'an honor'," Kotetsu bowed emphatically.

"Using a marker to _draw _scars on your face to look like Ibiki is _not_ an honor. You know how he got those, right?" she whispered, her voice low and her eyes darting around the room.

"Shit, no." Maybe he _had _gone overboard. Izumo had tried to warn him, but he thought he knew better.

Ino giggled, "Then I'll let him tell you. When he finds you!" She grabbed Sakura's arm and disappeared into the crowd. Kotetsu inwardly groaned, hopefully Ibiki wouldn't show up.

Izumo appeared beside him, "This Genma outfit really works wonders." Just as quickly as he spoke the words, he began to choke on the senbon he had been holding between his lips. Kotetsu slapped him on the back to dislodge the needle. "T-thanks!" he croaked.

"Hey guys!" Naruto waved as he approached.

"Dressed as your _dad_? Really?" Kotetsu shook his head. "Lame."

"Definite cop out," Izumo nodded his agreement.

"Aww, come on! I liked this outfit," Naruto whined.

"Oh shit, is that Hinata dressed as _Neji_?" Izumo whispered as he caught a glimpse of the Hyuuga heiress walking past. "That's pretty bold, especially for her."

"Good on her," Kotetsu agreed. "Isn't it sad she can look like him, and she's a _girl_?" he scoffed.

"A bit, I guess," Naruto agreed. "Hey, Sakura-chan!" he waved at his teammate. He took a step toward her, but was stopped by Kotetsu's hand on his shoulder.

Kotetsu lowered his voice so that only Naruto could hear him, "Make sure to tell her her hooters look good! Girls dig it when you notice _those_ are larger."

"R-really?" Naruto looked confused. "Sakura-chan doesn't seem like the type--"

"They never do," Kotetsu's face was grave. "Guaranteed score, dude."

"Ok," Naruto nodded hesitantly as he nervously approached Ino and Sakura.

"You just did him in, didn't you?" Izumo asked, as he attempted to flip his senbon with his tongue. He was only successful in impaling it. "Shit!" he howled, I just pierced my tongue!"

"Holy hell, there's Neji! Dressed at Orochimaru," Kotetsu pointed out. Tenten was at his side, dressed as Temari, her blonde wig pulled into four separate sections. She carried a massive fan on her back and a stuffed weasel in her belt.

"Hey! Hey Hinata! Nice costume!" Kotetsu waved at Neji. Even with the white make-up, Izumo could tell that the Hyuuga was pissed off. Royally.

He made his way through the crowd toward the two troublemakers. "Oh shit. You did it this time," Izumo murmured. "If he kicks your ass, I'm totally watching it happen."

"You would, traitor," Kotetsu shot back. "And I'm not afraid of this pansy."

"Why do you insist on calling me Hinata?" Neji hissed, as Tenten glanced at the two men. Izumo—dressed as Genma—winked at her. She blushed.

"But, you _are _Hinata!" Kotetsu blinked, acting confused by Neji's insistence. With a cry of annoyance, Neji turned and pulled Tenten into a rough kiss. The people around them immediately stopped what they were doing to watch Orochimaru kiss Temari. A few whistles rang out.

When the kiss ended, Neji turned to glare at the Hokage's assistants. A smile of triumph spread across his face, "Quit being asses! Your behavior is ridiculous."

"No way in hell," Izumo slowly spoke as the senbon fell from his lips.

"Did you just see Hinata kiss Tenten?" Kotetsu blinked a few times. Izumo nodded in agreement.

"No one will believe this," Kotetsu's voice was low. "I just saw some girl-on-girl!"

"Can you two do it again?" Izumo asked the two red-faced chunin. Tenten was red-faced from kiss, while Neji's color was more from his anger.

He wordlessly growled as he pushed the two costumed men aside, leaving Tenten to stare in an awkward silence.

"So, Tenten," Izumo started, "was it any good. You know, kissing _him_?"

Tenten said nothing, her face turning more red as she turned and walked in an opposite direction, a dreamy look on her face.

"Oh shit, my senbon!" Izumo leaned down to find his senbon. He plucked it from the floor, eyeing it suspiciously. "Five second rule?" he asked Kotetsu.

"Not so sure..." Kotetsu answered, looking slightly disgusted at the ball of fuzz that was mysteriously attached to the needle.

"Oh no, is that Guy and Lee?" Izumo whistled as he looked past his friend. Might Guy was doing his best impression of Kakashi, while Lee looked like his usual self—most likely claiming he was dressed as Guy. Kakashi looked unimpressed as he—dressed as Kabuto—watched Guy strut around and put his arms around any nearby female.

The sudden sound of crushed floorboards tore through the party, as partygoers looked toward the disturbance. Sakura was standing over Naruto, glaring down at him angrily. "What did you just say to me!" she was popping her knuckles menacingly.

Naruto licked his lips as he looked around, nervously. "Do you really want me to repeat that, S-Sakura-chan?"

"Go ahead," she smiled grimly. "So they can see why I'm about to beat you into a bloody pulp!" Naruto's face paled at the threat.

"Hmm, my student appears to have already nailed my mannerisms," Tsunade approached her two assistants, drinks in hand. "Here boys," she smiled warmly. "These are for my loyal guardsman."

"Thanks, 'Sunade!" Izumo grinned. "Nice costume!"

"Thanks, gentelmen! Here's to my first party!" she held up her glass. The two men tapped their glasses with hers.

"Finally, this party is about to start," Kotetsu grinned as they threw back their drinks.

***

* * *

***

"Fuck, my head hurts," Kotetsu groaned as he tried to open his eyes. They felt heavy from the partying the night before.

"Where the hell am I?" he asked groggily, as he realized he was sitting. He peeked between his lids: he was seated behind his desk at the front gates! He could hear Izumo snoring beside him.

"Wake up, idiot!" Kotetsu hissed, as he realized why he was suddenly feeling so _chilled_. "Izumo, dammit!"

"Wha--?" Izumo growled. "I was having a good dream!"

"How did we get here, and where are our clothes?" Kotetsu spoke hurriedly.

"Our clothes? Why are you in my room?" Izumo was trying to comprehend what his friend was asking him.

"Asstard, we are at the front gate. In our underwear!" he yelped as he tried to stand. He realized his feet were tied together, as were his hands. "What the hell?"

Izumo sat upright, his eyes suddenly wide open. They were bloodshot as he frantically looked at himself. "These aren't _my _underwear!" he bobbed his head backward, as if to take another look.

"No shit," Kotetsu answered angrily. "They are _women's_!"

"What?" Izumo groaned. "No wonder my ass feels funny."

"We've been duped, that much is for sure," Kotetsu ignored Izumo's odd rant as he squinted outside of the booth. "But who did it?"

"I can't even remember what happened last night! All I know is that I was just about to score--" he started.

"In your dreams or in real life?" Kotetsu interrupted.

Izumo sat there for a few seconds, pondering. "My dream."

"Yup, that sounds 'bout right. Now let's get out of this!" They used an escape jutsu to free themselves from their bindings. Both men stood up, looking at the other.

"That's a nice bra—" Izumo began, as he reached out to touch the lacy fabric on Kotetsu's chest.

Kotetsu slapped him, "What the hell are you doing? Get a hold of yourself."

"I'm still drunk," Izumo swayed as he leaned against the desk. "And you have make-up on," he pointed at Kotetsu's face.

"The fuck?" Kotetsu howled as he frantically tried to rub the rouge off of his cheeks.

"Perverts!" an old woman called out to them, as she glared angrily and shook her fist.

"Bite me, you old bat!" Kotetsu spat. "You're just jealous because you can't look this good. Even if you tried."

He turned back to Izumo, who was red-faced. "Y-you're wearing a thong!" Izumo pointed out, before examining his own lingerie. "And so am I! Is it supposed to go this far between your cheeks? How do women wear this shit?" he started to ramble.

"Well, look what we have here," came the smooth male voice.

Kotetsu and Izumo turned to look toward the visitor. They found Neji standing with a ream of fliers. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a nail as he secured the flier over the ones the two assistants had put up earlier that week.

"Hey Nej—I mean, Hinata." Izumo spoke slowly. He wasn't sure as to who it was standing before him--and they _did _look a like. Though, he didn't remember Hinata having such a deep voice.... The Hyuuga winced at being called by his cousin's name, but continued to secure the few fliers he could.

"Are you responsible for this?" Kotetsu asked, crossing his arms over his brassiere.

"For what?" Neji raised an eyebrow. "For playing dress-up with you two?" he laughed.

"I had heard that Tsunade was a pro at spiking drinks," Neji confessed, as he looked over the two men. "All I had to do was bet her that she didn't still have it. Which she apparently does." He nodded at them.

"The Hokage date-raped us?" Izumo howled.

"Date raping would assume that either of you had sex...with a woman. No, she simply drugged you. The rest was me," a sly smile spread across his face. He turned and walked toward the village. "If you'll excuse me, I have something I need to finish."

The two men stood there, in the borrowed underwear, gaping at the Hyuuga. "What the hell is wrong with that fucktard?" Kotetsu growled as he looked for something—anything--to use as cover. People were starting their normal morning routines, and had already stopped to point and laugh at the two chunin.

"I wanna go home!" Izumo wailed.

"Quite your bitchin' and let's go!" Kotetsu quickly used a low-level Transformation Technique to mask the female underwear and provide them with some decency until they got home. He turned to find Izumo following suit, and his eyes fell on the flier that Neji had secured to the outside of the booth.

"What the--" he murmured as he pulled the sheet of paper from the nail. Izumo peered over his shoulder, as Kotetsu's eyes bulged with anger.

"Oh no..." Izumo whispered. "How did he--" he groaned.

"That's_ us_!" Kotetsu snapped. His eyes glanced over the black and white pictures that must have been copied onto one flier. The photos were..._racy_--to say the least. _How did he get us to do that? _he silently wondered, his face turning red as he saw the picture of him kissing Izumo's cheek while his friend smiled for the camera, giving it a 'thumbs up'.

"In _those _positions! Now everyone will see us!" Izumo slumped into his chair, banging his head on the table. "What is in my mouth right there?"

"Enough!" Kotetsu crumpled the paper in his hands. "So Tsunade helped him, huh? Spiked our drinks and left us here, indecently, no less."

"We'll have to remove the fliers!" Izumo jumped to his feet, his eyes lighting up from his sudden conclusion. With that, he frantically began to run around through the masses, pulling the fliers off of walls and bulletins. Confused spectators watched him, while others pointed and laughed. He had forgotten to maintain is chakra flow, and was now only clad in a thong and bra as he sped through the streets of Konoha.

Kotetsu looked down at the torn shards of a long lost memory. They looked like idiots! He had no doubt that the young man had enjoyed toying with them, though he doubted that Neji had acted alone. He and Izumo would find out who helped the Hyuuga, and make them pay. Painfully and slowly. _They _were the village's tricksters, not the uptight Hyuuga!

"Point to you, Hyuuga. Point to you. I'll have to remember to watch my back around you," he spoke quietly, a small smile spreading across his face. He would never admit it, but he was impressed by the young man's slyness.

"No, I'll definitely remember that about you," he softly promised himself. "Next time."

*****

* * *

**I'm not sure how this idea even came about, but it's in writing and posted, so enjoy!**

**I'm not entirely convinced that this is quite as amusing as the other two, but here goes nothin'!**

**Kotetsu and Izumo in women's underwear, left out for all to see? Shameful!**

**Or is it ;)**

****A/N**: almost forgot, this is for **_rao hyuga 18_**--who still reads my stuff, even with my Neji-bashing (at times). Neji's last laugh is for you! ^_^  
**


	4. Seven Years Bad Luck

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or its characters**

*****

* * *

*****

Both chunin yawned as the day slowly passed them by. Konoha in peaceful times left them with nothing much to do, except the minor tasks the Hokage bestowed upon them. No one was exiting or entering the village, leaving them with only the Hokage's shopping as a duty. Izumo's face turned red as he remembered the lingerie boutique they entered for Tsunade's "very important items". He had mutely handed over the paper, never once opening the envelope. Kotetsu had been in heaven, rubbing various frilly lace undergarments on his face and inappropriately touching the mannequins' pert breasts. The shopkeeper was all too happy to rid herself of the two young men.

Izumo was almost positive that the Hokage was _still_ making them suffer after Kotetsu's grave mishap....

They had been dropping off Tsunade's papers, after-hours, and no one had been around. Kotetsu had mistaken the Hokage's slumber as a drunken coma. Izumo couldn't deny that it looked suspicious with the empty bottles of liquor lying around—but even _he_ wouldn't have taken the steps that his friend decided to embark upon.

"Quick, Izumo! Get the camera, we gotta get a picture of this!" he had rubbed his hands together in anticipation of their blackmail. He leaned over the Hokage, pointing at the drool that was pooling around her cheek.

"This is fucking gross! Who knew that she slobbered in her sleep? No wonder she can't get laid," he had whispered, his eyes wide with disgust.

Izumo had shaken his head in obvious disagreement. "Don't touch anything, you ass! Just drop the papers on her desk and let's go!" he had angrily whispered.

"What? We can't have a little fun? Besides, all she does is drink and sleep while we do the scut work! C'mon!" he had whined, air humping the Hokage from behind her chair.

Izumo had quickly and silently maneuvered around the expansive desk, "Quit it! What if she wakes up! Come on, let's go! This is no time to play around, jerkoff!" He had reached for Kotetsu's vest, but the chunin spun out of his grasp. The messy-haired assistant continued his charade from the other side of the chair.

"I said, _stop it_!" Izumo had hissed as the humping continued. He saw the Hokage's eyelid twitch, and began to panic. He looked at Kotetsu, his eyes flashing his anger, "You are the reason why we are always in trouble!"

"Oooh, pull that stick out of your ass and take a picture already," he whispered, rolling his eyes. "This'll be hilarious!" He grinned and flashed two thumbs-up as his hips thrust in the air behind the big-breasted kage.

Izumo had become impatient, lunging at Kotetsu and grabbing onto his jacket. Again, Kotetsu tried to spin out of his grip, but only managed to pull Izumo with him. Izumo's hand became entangled in Kotetsu's vest, and the extra weight pushed the air-humping shinobi off-balance. Kotetsu toppled forward, onto the Hokage, sprawling across the desk with Izumo mounted behind him. At that moment, Shizune had walked into the office, carrying hospital charts.

"Tsunade," she began, her eyes scanning the paperwork. "The transplant patient--" She looked up, her jaw falling open and her face turning white.

"Uh oh," Kotetsu murmured as he felt the sleeping woman stirring beneath him. "Not good."

"It-It's not what you think, Shizune," Izumo tried to smooth things over. "Kotetsu was being an ass--"

Before either could get out another word, Tsunade had managed to throw them over her shoulder. The two chunin had barreled through air and _through _the far wall of her office. Repairing the wall and patching it would be another chore for them later, Izumo was sure. It was the last thought he had as Tsunade leaped across her desk to finish their beating.

Both men had been in the hospital for a few days following the debacle. Turned out that the Hokage wasn't drinking, but had merely fallen asleep after staying in her office all night to finish paperwork. It also turned out that she had heard the entire thing. Despite knowing the sequence of events, she didn't have much mercy on Izumo for his lack of desire to participate in Kotetsu's plans.

"You two are a team," she had growled as she healed Izumo's wounds first. "Which means you should be able to control him."

Izumo had glanced at his friend, who was currently in a drug-induced coma in the neighboring bed. He shook his head sadly, "It's not that easy," he had confided in the Hokage. "...Can we just let him sleep for a few more days?"

With a wry grin, the Hokage had granted that wish. Izumo had enjoyed the next week's peace and quiet. But, all good things had to come to an end....

Fast forward four weeks, and they were both once again bored out of their minds.

They sat with their feet on the desk, leaning back in their wooden chairs. Izumo shook his head at the silent recollection. It had been over a month since that debacle, and the Hokage still hadn't totally forgiven Kotetsu. Which meant that Izumo would be punished as well.

"We need a new job," Izumo grumbled as he scratched his stomach.

"Man, you can say _that _again," Kotetsu replied, his eyelids becoming heavy with boredom.

"Shut up, I was the one that did all the paperwork for the Hokage!" Izumo seethed. "You sat there, doing nothing. As usual."

"Me? I was your support!" Kotetsu replied, placing his hand over his chest in feigned insult. "S'not easy."

"Go screw yourself," Izumo muttered. "Lazy fuck."

"The one and only," a sly smile spread across Kotetsu's face. "But," he yawned again, "that doesn't change the fact that our job sucks balls."

"Eh, I suppose not," Izumo agreed, folding his arms behind his head, his own eyes closing briefly. The last thing he remembered was Kotetsu's snoring.

The sound of scratching forced him awake. Izumo sat upright, looking for the source.

"Donkey punches.." Kotetsu mumbled, his head bobbing as it hung off the back of his chair. A long string of drool dangled from his mouth. "Imma gonna donkey punch youuuuu...."

Izumo's face screwed up in distaste as he watched Kotetsu with mild disgust. _Where the hell does he come up with these things? _he silently wondered. After nearly a lifetime of friendship, he could never understand how the bandaged chunin came up with half the garbage he spewed in his sleep.

The sound of scratching caught his attention once again. It hadn't been a dream!

He looked under their table, but saw nothing. The sound ceased, and Izumo sat back, scratching his head in confusion. The sudden appearance of a ragged black tail told him that the sound was coming from _outside _of their post. He stood up, warily looking over the outer edge of the table.

A mangy black cat was rolling on the ground, writhing in contentment as its back rubbed against the hard earth. Izumo cringed at the dilapidated appearance of the dirty feline. He returned to his seat, hoping the cat would go away. The sound of something akin to twisting metal forced him to open his eyes. One golden eye returned his stare from inches away.

"Aaaaaaah!" he screeched, toppling off of his chair. He immediately covering his mouth, had _that _sound come from him? The cat looked amused at his high-pitched scream. It sat back on its haunches and licked a dirty paw, rubbing it a chewed up ear.

"What'n the fuck was that?" Kotetsu rubbed his weary eyes as his head jerked upright.

"It's a cat," Izumo quickly replied.

"No, that damned noise? Sounded like some woman had her baby snatched," he murmured, looking around bleakly. His eyes fell on the dirty tangled mess of a cat. They stared at one another with equal disdain for a few minutes.

"This your new pet, 'Zumo?" he drawled. "Kinda dirty, dontcha think?"

"It's not mine!" he sighed, relieved that no one else had heard his shrill cry. "Just showed up a few minutes ago."

"Think it's hungry?" Kotetsu asked, eyeing the cat warily. "Looks kinda beat up."

Izumo shrugged, "Don't care. Just a mangy stray. It'll go away if you ignore it."

The cat was now rolling around on top of their desk, sending hair and dust particles into the air. Its claws were too long, no longer retracting into its paws—a sign that the animal had been feral for some time. It was missing one eye, which was now covered with a giant scar. One ragged ear flopped down while the other stood straight up. Clumps of fur were missing from its mane, and the cat had obviously broken its tail. From the looks of the z-shape of the appendage, it had been broken more than once. The stray also carried its front paw close to its body, limping as it moved.

"Heartless," Kotetsu whistled, as he reached out hand to touch the dirty animal. It rubbed its head under his palm, purring in satisfaction.

"Damned thing sounds like it's about to explode," he smirked. "Is that your purr, little guy? Sounds like you ate shurikens for breakfast."

The cat answered by jumping onto Kotetsu's lap. "Oh man, this bastard smells like shit!" he waved his hand below his nose.

"I can see dingle berries stuck in his fur, idiot," Izumo pointed toward the animal's haunches. Sure enough, tiny, round masses were entangled in the stringy hair on the animal's rear end.

"Probably too old to lick its ass," Kotetsu answered. "My grandfather couldn't wipe his own ass. Too old. Things just don't move the same."

Izumo cringed. He remembered Kotetsu's grandfather. When they were kids, he used to refer to Izumo as the "cute little girl" who played with his grandson, as well as smack him on the ass. Izumo wasn't so sure that the old man was being playful—not if the creeper smile was any indication. It continued as the boys aged, and the old man died when they were fifteen. By that point, Izumo was shaving, though that didn't stop elderly man's ass-pinching. Izumo was positive that the old, senile shinobi died thinking that Izumo was a girl.

"He's in pretty bad shape. Probably needs food," Izumo nodded, hoping to erase those memories from his mind.

"Wanna name him?" Kotetsu asked as he lightly patted the feline.

The animal opened its mouth to reveal a few teeth. Izumo could smell its rancid breath as it toothlessly leered at him. "Why the hell would I want to name that damned dirty cat?" he grimaced.

"Why not? Got nothing better to do," Kotetsu retorted. He picked up the cat, looking at the skinny animal with curious eyes. Izumo could practically hear the wheels turning in his friend's head. "Let's see, one eye, gimp leg...I got the perfect name--" A satisfactory smile spread across Kotetsu's face.

"Don't even--" Izumo warned.

"Danzo!" Kotetsu howled with laughter. He walked around the table, and set the cat on the grassy earth in front of their post.

"Inappropriate," Izumo shook his head. "Totally inappropriate, asshole."

"Why? Bastard's dead. Besides, you can't tell me this cat doesn't resemble the old quack," Kotetsu argued.

Izumo leaned forward, watching the cat contentedly paw at the ground as its one golden eye remained on Izumo. Clumps of grass and earth were being pulled up under the animal's claws as its congested purr tore through the air. Izumo narrowed his eyes, glaring at the feline. He was pretty sure the emaciated animal was silently threatening his life.

"He's totally shredding that earth," Kotetsu grinned triumphantly.

"That's because he's too old to retract his claws. The cat is ancient. Let's just leave it be. We don't want the smelly thing to follow us around, do we?" More dirt and grass was being pulled up under its long, sharp claws. All the while, its one-eyed gaze remained on Izumo. The chunin had the distinct feeling the animal was digging a grave. His grave. He shuddered.

Kotetsu crossed his arms over his chest as he watched the cat tear into the ground, "I dunno. I think it'll be kinda fun. Maybe we can teach it to attack. That'd be pretty badass if we had an attack cat."

"I'm not sure that cat could do much damage. Its spine would snap if it tried to attack..._anything_," Izumo argued. He leaned back so that the table's edge prevented the animal's glare. Two very black ears and a golden eye peered up over the table. Yup, the cat was _definitely _toying with him.

"So we already named it Danzo, now let's feed it!" Kotetsu tapped his chin. "What do cats eat?"

_Humans_, Izumo thought. _Bored chunin who guard the village_. "Meat. Cat food."

"Yeah, yeah," he waved his hand dismissively, "But, we want him to attack. We need to feed him red meat. Blood. He needs to be fierce."

"I hope you're planning on keeping him," Izumo sighed, realizing that the plan was already imbedded in Kotetsu's head.

"What? You know I can't have a pet in my apartment--"

"NO! N-O, you asshole! There is no way I am keeping that," he jabbed his finger in the air, "in my apartment!"

"Aw, why not?" Kotetsu pouted.

"Look at him, he's already plotting to kill me!" Izumo argued.

"_Him_? The cat? How? He's just a little guy!"

"But I can _tell_," Izumo whined. He met the cat's golden gaze. He was almost positive the cat was smiling at him. They were engaged in a battle of silent wills. Cat versus chunin. Cat was currently winning.

"Nope, not taking him," Izumo shook his head in defiance.

"I'll tell Shizune you've been crushin' on her," Kotetsu's eyes narrowed in challenge.

"How'd you--" Izumo began, realizing the ploy all too late.

"Yes!" Kotetsu grinned. "Gotcha!"

Izumo's face turned bright red as he realized his error. Kotetsu leaned over the table, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright, man, I used to want to do her, too."

"Really?" Izumo peered at Kotetsu.

"Fuck no! I have standards, you ass!" he howled.

The cat was once again rolling around on the ground, clumps of grass entangling in its fur. Izumo sighed, this was not going to go well, he could already tell.

***

* * *

***

It was dark when Izumo returned home, holding the shaggy cat at arm's length. The smelly animal hung limply in his arms. Upon entering his meager dwelling, he found a pair of elbow-length rubber gloves, which he immediately put on as he began running the sink water.

"No way will you be staying here if you're filthy," he told the feline.

It stalked off, its broken tail jutting into the air. When the water was warm enough, he turned to find the animal. He was instantly dismayed when the cat was not within his sight. He groaned as he trudged off to find the animal. He looked under his chair and couch, but the animal was nowhere to be found. He cringed, heading toward the only two rooms left: bedroom and bathroom. When he entered the bathroom, he immediately knew that the cat had been in there. The toilet paper had been shredded to indistinct particles, and was currently scattered over every nook and cranny in the tiny room.

"You piece of shit," he grumbled as he picked up handfuls of the white fluff and shoved it in his waste basket.

He could see the door of his sink slightly ajar. He silently prayed as he slowly opened the door. Sure enough, his remaining toilet paper—which was also shredded beyond oblivion—toppled out. A blur of black shot out from under the sink, barreling into his legs. He fell backward, hitting his head on the bathtub as the cat escaped the confinement of the bathroom. More profanities were shouted.

The sound of dripping water reminded him that he had forgotten to shut off the faucet. He scrambled to the kitchen in time to see the water pouring over the edge of the sink and onto the floor.

"Aw, no!" he screamed as he quickly ran toward the source of overflowing water.

When his foot hit the clear fluid, he slid into the sink in a whirl of un-manly movements. He kept a firm grip on the counter's edge as he turned off the water. The cat sauntered across the counter, stopping to gingerly lick the water, never taking its eye off of the clumsy chunin. It dipped one paw into the tepid water, pulling it out and leaving a dirty paw print on the counter.

"Don't you even dare..." Izumo trailed off in warning.

As if he could read Izumo's mind, the cat trotted over the counter's top, dirty paws leaving tiny prints. He awkwardly jumped down from the counter, walking through the water on the floor. It hissed at Izumo as the shinobi's eyes angrily bulged from his head. He reached for the cat, but was met with a swipe from the royally pissed off feline.

"Don't you swing at me, you little bitch! You just shredded my toilet paper. How am I supposed to wipe my ass with _that_?" he snarled. He was answered by the sound of his foot slipping and his chin hitting the counter. He slid onto the floor, while the cat explored his furniture with dirty paws.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled as he scrambled to his feet. Again, he slid, crashing to the floor, another round of profanities being slung into the air.

Hours later, and many lacerations on his arms—despite the thick gloves--the cat was cleaned. It was licking what fur it had, stopping every once in a while to watch Izumo clean up the mess it had created earlier.

"Yeah, stare at me," he hissed at the cat. "The feeling's mutual, Danzo," he muttered. It felt good to be able to say that aloud and use Danzo's name in the same sentence.

When he was finished cleaning, he collapsed in his bed. Within minutes, he was asleep.

Something forced him awake. He opened his eyes to the darkness of his apartment. The sound of grating metal reminded him of his visitor. He turned his head toward the sound, to find the cat sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him with one eye.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" he whispered, his heart suddenly racing.

He could feel the hair prickle on the back of his neck. Was this a premonition?He had the distinct feeling that the cat had been watching him like this for hours. Instead of an answer, the cat hissed at him before leaping from the bed. Izumo shrugged off the encounter, rolling onto his stomach and falling back to sleep.

When he awoke in the morning, his apartment looked like a war zone. His furniture had long tears; the stuffing exploding out of the lacerations. Various items were shredded and scattered along the floor. He could barely make out the title of his favorite pornographic magazine, _Risky Kunoichi_.

"You didn't!" his voice was a raspy whine as he rolled from his bed to try to scavenge what he could. As his feet touched the floor, a grimy black claw swiped at his ankle from under the bed.

He screamed, pulling himself back onto the bed. He slowly maneuvered himself so that he could peer over the side of the bed, but saw nothing. He gingerly tried to put a toe onto the ground, but was met with another painful slice to his feet.

"What the fuck, devil cat?" he screeched as he nursed the now-bleeding wound.

As if in answer, the crooked tail bobbed along the side of the bed. Izumo watched with confusion as the animal circled the bed, only his tail visible. The broken appendage stopped moving, and Izumo crawled to that edge of the bed. He was met with a claw swinging up toward his face. He saw the blood drip onto his sheets as the claw continued its arc, imbedding itself into the edge of the bed. He watched in horror as the animal's claw dragged along the bed's edge. The sound of ripping sheets echoed through his apartment.

"What the hell are you doing?" he shrieked as he recoiled to the other side of his bed. "I just bought these sheets!" Well, his mom did, anyhow, but why yell that to a cat?

The bent tail disappeared completely. He looked around, waiting for the cat's tail to reappear. He caught the movement out of the corner of his eye, but it was too late. Another swipe connected with his cheek. With another scream of confusion, he cowered in the middle of the bed.

"H-he's trying to k-k-kill m-me!" he moaned as the blood trickled down his cheek. "I knew this cat was evil!" He tucked his knees against his chest, giving the cat less surface area to work with. Would it be appropriate to use jutsu on an animal?he wondered.

The tail circled the bed another time, before disappearing. Izumo knew that this wasn't the end of the cat's barrage. He could feel the claws sink into his side as he realized the cat had maneuvered itself under his bed, jabbing its claws up through the mattress.

Izumo yowled in pain as he jumped from the bed and lunged toward the bathroom, cat hissing behind him. He shut the door, locking it in place. The cat couldn't get in there, now. Not unless it knew an unlocking jutsu. He prayed that it didn't, but he didn't feel so sure...

Izumo could see the animal's shadow pacing back and forth from under the door. He crawled toward the door, softly placing his head on the floor to peer under it. He was met with an angry-looking golden eye as a set of sharp claws were thrust under the door. The sound of nails scraping tile made him shudder. He grabbed a cup off of his sink and slammed it onto the cat's paw. A loud hiss and screech tore through his apartment as he heard things breaking. He inwardly cringed as he crawled into the bathtub and curled up into a ball.

***

* * *

***

"Where the hell is he?" Kotetsu eyed the empty chair with concern. It wasn't like Izumo to be late. Ever.

After another hour of Izumo's absence, Kotetsu decided to leave a clone in his stead as he went to seek out his friend. He climbed the familiar steps to Izumo's apartment, finding an elderly lady with her ear against the door.

"Hey! It's not nice to spy on people!" Kotetsu chastised the woman. She immediately pulled her head away from the door, straightening her robe in embarrassment.

"I heard a woman's scream coming from inside," she pointed toward the door, her eyes wide.

"Eh, did he finally get laid?" Kotetsu asked aloud, a grin spreading across his face. The woman gasped at his insinuation.

"What? That would make _you _a pervert!" he pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now, get out of here," he prompted, shooing the woman away. "You shouldn't be eavesdropping on two people getting wild. Not at your age, lady."

The woman shuffled away, shooting looks of uncertainty over her shoulder. "I may be old, but even I know a scream of pain from a scream of pleasure!" she snapped before disappearing up the stairs.

When she was gone, Kotetsu immediately put his ear up against the door. He heard nothing. "What the hell is he doing?" he murmured as raised his hand to knock on the door.

"Izumo! What are you doing in there? You're late for work!" he called out as he hammered on the door. When he received no answer, he knocked harder.

Again, nothing. He quickly used a basic jutsu to unlock the door, slowly pushing it open with caution. He gasped when he saw the state of Izumo's apartment. It looked as if it had been ransacked. The refrigerator was wide open, and food items were spilled all over the floor. His furniture was tattered and gutted. His bed had large yellow stains and feces scattered over it. The floor was littered with excrement as well.

"Izumo?" he asked as he slowly walked through the mini-war zone, bypassing the piss and shit. "Izumo, are you here?"

The fluttering of curtains caught his eye, and he realized that the living area window had been shattered. Had someone broken in? A whimpering cry caught his attention and he pulled a kunai from his vest. Who or what had done this?

"'Zumo?" he softly called out as he approached the closed bathroom door.

He couldn't imagine that his friend would be anywhere else in the disheveled and consecrated apartment. Though, it would be unlike Izumo to just allow anyone to break into his apartment and get away with it. He lightly knocked on the door. He thought he heard a sob from inside.

"Is that you, buddy?" he called out.

"B-be c-careful, it'll attack y-y-you t-too!" he heard the weak cry. _What will attack me_? he silently wondered, as his eyes darted around the room. He sensed no unfamiliar chakra.

"I'm comin' in! You better not be naked or jackin' it in there, y'hear?" he yelled. Kotetsu quickly unlocked the door. He found Izumo huddled in the tub, the shower curtain wrapped around his body as he rocked back and forth.

Kotetsu stood over him, watching his friend with concern. Izumo's face was scratched, blood caked to his cheeks and chin. His hands and arms were covered in slices, and his clothes were somewhere tattered. He had a bruise creeping around his chin, and another under his eye.

"What the hell happened here?" he looked around the bathroom. White pieces of.._something_...completely covered the floor.

"K-Kotetsu," Izumo moaned. "Is it gone?"

"Is what gone?" he asked, wondering if Izumo was mentally stable. He looked like he had just battled a mountain lion.

"D-Danzo!" Izumo squeaked.

It took Kotetsu a few moments to realize what Izumo was going on about. "Oh, the cat?" he asked, scratching his head. He looked around, suddenly confused, "Did _he _do _this_?"

Izumo nodded, his eyes still downcast. Kotetsu snorted at the realization that the cat had wrecked Izumo's apartment and slashed his face. Izumo had been bested by a cat! The man had been through a war!

"It's not funny!" Izumo howled, burying his face in the shower curtain. "I thought it was going to kill me!"

"It's a fucking _cat_!" Kotetsu pointed out. "You can't beat a damned decrepit cat?" He whistled, turning and peering out into the apartment.

"It's evil....I've never seen anything like it," he confessed.

"Neither have I," Kotetsu answered softly, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of the situation. "I think it looted you and escaped through the window," he pointed out. He was answered by a sob from the bathtub.

"Seriously, you need to man up. You were had by a _cat_! Why didn't you just bind it or something? Hit it with a club?" Kotetsu whistled as he walked around the apartment. "Get your ass up, we have to go to work. Don't want Big Boobs Granny coming by and making your sissy-ass injuries worse, do you?"

Izumo slowly stood, peeling the shower curtain from his body. "When I'm less traumatized, I'm going to kick your ass for this," he warned weakly, realizing the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Yeah, yeah," Kotetsu waved, kicking at the feces on the floor. He smiled. The cat had definitely done a number on Izumo. This would be a great story for a night out with the guys: Man Survives Fourth Shinobi War But Falls Prey To Mangy Cat..

"Holy. Hell," Izumo breathed as he took in the devastation in his apartment.

"Yup, it sure got one over on you," Kotetsu muttered.

"You have no idea," Izumo spat as he looked for a pair of pants that weren't shredded or pissed on. "It's all your fault. Your dumb fucking idea."

"Yeah, blame it on me. It's my fault that you let a _cat_ beat your pansy ass," he grinned as he leaned against the doorway. "Thought it couldn't _do any damage_?" he mocked Izumo's earlier words.

"Bite me, asshole!" Izumo muttered as he held up a tattered shirt.

Kotetsu smirked, "I take it you didn't have a chick over, did ya?"

Izumo's head shot up, as he peered at Kotetsu in curiosity. "No. Why?"

"No reason, really. Old lady upstairs said she heard some woman screaming from your apartment. Just wonderin' if the cat took your balls as well," shook his head sadly a wide grin spreading across his face.

Izumo said nothing, his face growing red as Kotetsu's back shook with laughter.

*****

* * *

*****

**A/N: I know, I know, Izumo is always getting shat on (no pun intended)! But, for some reason, I always see Kotetsu creating the evil and Izumo paying for it. Perhaps I'll work on one that takes it lighter on the poor guy! I had this on my computer from last week, which is why I've updated twice in one weekend (sorry, school still hates me). **

**Hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think! **

**Thanks for reading, reviewing, and adding--it's always appreciated. **

**If you have any ideas, feel free to shoot them my way, I'll see what I can do.  
**


	5. The Shift

**A/N: my busy-ness continues, but I thought I'd spruce up this oneshot I had on my computer. It's loosely based off of some of my ER experiences. You'd be surprised at the stuff that walks through those doors. At times, I wonder if people realize they are in an ER, and not a McDonald's or something. Anyhow, read and review. My next one, I think, is going to be based off a reviewer's suggestion (I'll give you props when I get it done!). **

**Also: The llama quote is something I attribute to a conversation/PM I had with TheBathman. Thanks for always making me laugh! **

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

**~OoOoO~**

* * *

Izumo trudged into the hospital, grumbling under his breath. He stopped in the corridor, squinting at the bright red letters that read "Emergency Room →". He followed the signs, each step making him hate his life more and more. He would be much happier having to visit someone in the emergency room, not _working _there. Right now, he was dreading the twelve hour shift that had been haunting him this past week. It had been the Hokage's orders, mostly as punishment for Kotetsu's antics, once again.

He had been the one trying to get Kotetsu to behave, but Tsunade had insisted that he was equally responsible. She had said something along the lines of, "being present is being just as guilty." Izumo had been seriously considering giving up on his best friend, as the chuunin was constantly dragging him into his mischief. The "last straw" was slowly approaching...Izumo could feel it. Heck, it had been over twenty years in the making!

Izumo rounded the corner after passing through the double doors, instantly halting as he saw Kotetsu standing there in front of him, donning a white set of scrubs. His gaze was downcast as he leaned against the wall, and Izumo was at a loss for words as his mouth dropped open. Kotetsu glanced up, quickly realizing he was no longer alone. He ignored Izumo's stare, his face red with embarrassment.

"Eh, betcha you're impressed I'm here before you, huh?" Kotetsu grunted, averting his eyes.

Izumo gaped for a while longer before breaking out in a hysterical fit of laughter. He fell against the wall, tears forming in his eyes, "You...you...lookridiculous!"

Kotetsu's face grew more crimson as his eyes flashed their anger, "Shut up!"

"Nice...nice...hat!" Izumo continued, wiping the tears away. He couldn't tear his eyes from the ridiculous hat perched on Kotetsu's messy head of hair.

"Tsunade said we had to wear it, standard uniform," he muttered under his breath, staring at the floor.

It was a nurse's hat, one that they often wore with their white formal skirted uniform. Izumo knew the Hokage well enough that he was _positive_ she was adding fuel to the fire. He had to admit, he was impressed with her odd sense of humor at times. Looks like Tsunade was going to make them pay. _Really _pay.

"She did, huh?" Izumo caught his breath, wiping away the last of his tears.

"Shut up."

"That'll teach you to be an ass, now, won't it?"

"Seriously, man, shut up, will ya?" Kotetsu hissed before turning and storming through the doors to the changing rooms.

Izumo shook his head, following his friend and feeling somewhat satisfied. Part of him was hopeful that tonight may turn out alright after all.

* * *

**~OoOoO~**

* * *

Tsunade had stopped by to find that the two men sitting at the triage desk in the small emergency waiting room.

"Now, boys, you will assign numbers from 1 to 5. The lower the number, the more urgent the emergency. For example, a missing limb is a 1, but a ankle sprain is 4, get it?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," they murmured in unison, nodding their heads. Kotetsu's hat nearly fell off of his head, and he reached up to prevent it.

"Good. Sakura is the attending tonight. Do not overwhelm her; it's still her first month," she continued, tapping her chin and repressing the smile that was tugging at her lips as Kotetsu averted his eyes to avoid her amused gaze.

Izumo felt more at ease knowing that Sakura would be there, as she was someone he got along with. It didn't hurt that he had a crush on the young physician, either. He would never share that with Kotetsu, though. He felt his cheeks burn when he noticed the Kage's eyes on him, one eyebrow raised in scrutiny.

"Any questions?" Tsunade asked as she glanced at the two men, who were now clad entirely in white, their name tags sparkling on their chests, Kotetsu wearing his hat.

"No, Hokage-sama," they answered together.

"Good," she breezed past them, heading for the back exit. She hesitated, her fingers trailing on the desk, "Boys?"

"Yes, Big-" Kotetsu instinctively began, only stopped by a sharp jab from Izumo's elbow.

Tsunade shot an icy look at the messy chuunin, saying nothing as she cracked the knuckles of her left hand. Izumo felt his throat tighten. He knew that pissing Tsunade off was not a good idea.

"Do you, by chance, have any idea why I assigned you here, tonight?" she could barely contain her sneer, her exhaustion and impatience getting the best of her.

"No, ma'am," Izumo began.

"Because...I printed those pictures of you, naked? Well, not really of _you, _but more of a hotter, younger woman with your face on it so that we could brag that you were better looking than the Mizukage..."

Izumo slapped his forehead with an open palm. Tsunade's eyes grew round as she said nothing, her face almost ashen. She had obviously not known about _that-_not even in the slightest. She quickly recovered, her mouth snapping shut. Izumo knew that they were now signed up for something far worse than a twelve-hour shift in Konohagakure's only emergency room...

"I, er, hadn't known about it. But, thank you for indulging me, Kotetsu," she could barely talk, her eyes bulging from her head and her words dripping with venom. She gripped the edge of the large desk, and Izumo could see it crumbling from her grip.

"Wha?" Kotetsu scratched his head, knocking his hat askew.

"Idiot," Izumo muttered under his breath. _Not good. _

Tsunade's eyes wandered to him, and Izumo shook his head, mouthing the words, _I have no clue_. He honesty hadn't. Who Kotetsu places bets with was not his business, nor did he want to be a part of it. He barely remembered Kotetsu discussing who was hotter: Mizukage or Hokage...

"I was thinking along the lines of your inability to successfully complete orders, but I suppose that this would be of concern, also," her face was still pale as her hands trembled in anger.

"Oh...shit," Kotetsu leaned back, glancing at Izumo for help.

"I had no part in what he admitted to, Hokage-sama," Izumo cut in, waving his hands in the air.

"Traitor," Kotetsu growled.

"What? It's not my fault you act like a moron," Izumo retorted.

"See? _That's_ why I don't tell you these things! You're always so _negative_," he replied, looking hurt.

"Gentleman," Tsunade's voice was low, though her anger was evident, "enough."

Their mouths snapped shut as they awaited her wrath. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, "I have no idea what in your brain tells you that your behavior is acceptable, Kotetsu, but you need to _grow up_!"

Izumo could barely suppress his smirk as he watched her berate the mischievous chuunin.

"And _you_," she turned to face Izumo, who nearly fell off of his chair at her fury, "Why can't you keep an eye on him? I assign you with him for _that exact purpose_! You are virtually a babysitter!"

Her face was dark as she once again glared at Kotetsu, who was now looking crest-fallen. Izumo's mouth opened and closed a few times. "B-But..."

"Nevermind," she rubbed her temples. "Just forget it. Get this shift over with. I'll have to find another punishment for you two, obviously."

She sighed heavily, suddenly looking tired as she left them to their own devices in the empty hospital department. Kotetsu said nothing, as if for once realizing his error. Izumo simply stared at the clock, willing away the next eleven and a half hours.

* * *

**~OoOoO~**

* * *

"Ma'am, _where _is your pain?" Izumo was trying to document what the woman was telling him between her incoherent sobs.

"All over! _Why_ won't you listen to me?" she shrilly replied, her tear-stained face twisted in fury. "My head and back hurts, and I am weaker in my left arm."

"Funny, she can throw it around pretty easily," Kotetsu muttered so that only Izumo could hear.

In his frustration, he laughed, only setting off another round of hysterics from the young woman. "See? You think it's funny! You think my _pain_ is funny!"

"Calm down, ma'am," Izumo shook his head, his frustration growing as he scrawled on the triage paperwork "_migraine_".

This was the tenth person with a non-specific, but "life-threatening", headache that night. It didn't help that it they were _all _complicated by a supposed history of seizures, for which they took a very specific medication that they wanted refilled right there an then. They all howled in anger as he told them that the ER was not a pharmacy, and that they needed to see their family doctor first. He suspected that the underlying issue was not the headache, but the desire for their very strong, pain-relieving medications. He glanced up at this patient, a young woman who had an extensive family history of stroke as well as a laundry list of allergies to every and all pain medications-minus a few of the stronger ones, of course. He found it ironic that the earlier patients had also a similar list.

_Where do they all come from_? he silently wondered, doing his best not to judge the woman.

"Don't tell me to _calm down_!" she screeched, gripping her head, "Oooh, it hurts, I can barely see! My vision!"

"Can you tell me what happens when you take acetaminophen?" Izumo asked, squinting at the horrid handwriting that came from none other than the idiot next to him.

"I dunno, I...I get an upset stomach," she cried.

"That's not an allergy, that's a side effect," Izumo replied casually, crossing it out.

"I-I can't take it, I get violently ill!" she screamed. "The only thing that works is...d-d..d..."

"Dilaudid?" Kotetsu interrupted, already familiar with the drug due to their earlier patients. Izumo shot him an angry glare.

"Yeah, that's it!" she nodded vigorously. "That's what they gave me last time."

"Last time..." Izumo pushed through the thick record, "they gave you percocet for the pain, and something for the nausea."

He couldn't contain his rising anger at this woman's ruse. He had only been here four hours and he was tired of the people coming through the door with pain they could barely describe, demanding a certain medication. It seemed that Kotetsu was enjoying goading the woman, only irking Izumo more.

"Fine," Izumo sighed, "just have a seat, you'll go back when they can see you."

"How long will that be?" she whined, gripping her head, "Ooooh!"

He shook his head, feeling as if his soul had been sucked out by this woman, "I don't know, we've had some serious accidents, and only one doctor on staff, so you'll get seen when they can see you!"

"But I have a date tonight, I have to be there in two hours!"

Izumo's mouth feel open at her crassness. Even Kotetsu seemed to be unable to hide his own anger and disbelief.

"Lady, if your pain is _that_ severe, then you should sit down and shut up and wait to be seen!" Kotetsu growled as he rifled through her thick chart, "You'll get seen when ya get seen."

"But...but.." she pleaded, "Ooh, my head, I can't see...my vision is gone! I'm _blind_."

She began to wave her arms around in front of her, as if she could not find her bearings. Kotetsu sighed his annoyance, standing and grabbing a pen from the cup on the desk. He quickly and deftly threw it at the woman, who instinctively ducked away from the projectile. She quickly realized her error, blinking a few times as her mouth opened and closed like a fish.

"It...comes and goes?" she whimpered, tears springing to her eyes, as if on cue.

"Your vision is fine, go sit the hell down," Kotetsu hissed, much to Izumo's amazement. "And shut up while you're at it!"

"I hope you both get trampled by a herd of llamas. And die!" she hissed, slinking away and shooting them angry glares of hatred over her shoulder.

"That's a first for that, tonight. I'll make sure to write that in with her chief complaint: 'hopes triage dies by llama stampede'," Izumo mumbled shaking his head.

Kotetsu smiled and waved at the woman, speaking in a low voice for Izumo to hear, "She's lucky we don't call psych and have her evaluated. That'd make for an interesting situation, huh?"

Izumo laughed, finishing the paperwork and pushing it aside. He didn't see the you boy standing on tiptoe in front of the desk.

"E-Excuse m-m-me?" came a timid voice from the other side of the desk.

Izumo and Kotetsu shot each other glances before standing and peering over to see who was addressing them. A young boy stood there in his night clothes, a teddy bear in his arms. His hair was disheveled and he looked scared.

"Yeah?" Kotetsu asked, an eyebrow raised. He had no idea where this could possibly go, he hoped a hot girl was somehow involved...

"My g-grandpa is outside...he...he is on the ground, s-s-sleeping. He was holding his chest like this," he put his hand over the left side of his chest, making a face that could only signify pain.

Izumo's eyes widened as he recognized what the boy was indicating. He shot out of his seat, pointing toward the double doors that led out to the front of the hospital, "He's outside? Like out there?"

"Uh huh," the boy nodded carefully, his lower lip trembling, "He c-couldn't make it inside, he was t-too tired."

"Oh _shit_," Izumo quickly leaped over the counter, making his way toward the door. He called back over his shoulder, "Make sure to let Sakura know that we have a 1 coming in!"

Kotetsu scratched his head in confusion, making eye contact with the boy and shrugging. He pointed to a nearby seat, "Jus' have a seat, ok?"

The boy nodded, looking back at the door before slowly trudging over to a seat and climbing into it.

The woman from before stood up, "How long of a wait-"

"Zip it," he growled, challenging her. "Sit down and shut up or get out," he pointed toward the door. The woman mumbled something and quickly seated herself.

Kotetsu turned on heel and walked back toward the exam rooms, hoping to find Sakura. He peeked through the curtains, only finding her by her pink hair. Her back was to him as a bright light shone on whatever gowned object she was examining.

"Sakura?" he called into the room.

"Hmm?" she replied, obviously distracted by what she was doing. She handed a swab to the nurse, who sent a wary glance toward Kotetsu before putting it in a tiny vial and handing something else back.

"Izumo says we have a 1 on its way in, he's outside. The dude is apparently sleeping out there, so his kid's kid says. Whatever that means," Kotetsu squinted over Sakura's shoulders.

"Shit," she mumbled, returning something to the nurse, "send this out for culture." She quickly pushed herself back on her stool, giving Kotetsu a good look at what she was doing.

He quickly realized that he was looking at the nether regions of a _very_ large woman. He couldn't see her face, but he sure could see something else! His eyes grew round as he tried to tear them away from the large, gaping object. Two knees jutted out from the sheets as the patient's aausage-like toes wiggled from the stirrups. The nails were thick and yellow, the ends jagged. That, alone, was enough to make Kotetsu gag.

"Is that..." Kotetsu pointed at the hairy entity, finding himself at a sudden loss for words, his eyes still wide.

Sakura glanced over her shoulder, "Hmm? Oh, vaginal bleeding from earlier. Seems she is on her period. Pity, considering her last menstrual period was _three weeks ago_, you'd think she'd have figured it out. I saw some odd looking discharge, and her cervix looked..._off_...I wanted to have her checked for STDs."

Her tone was sharp with annoyance at the patient's inability to recognize her own menstrual cycle. She hated when patients wasted ER time for perfectly normal life events. Though she was somewhat irked, Sakura couldn't hide the tiny hint of amusement that crept into her voice as she watched Kotetsu's expression go from uncertainty to recognition. He looked as if he were seeing an alien.

"S-She's...someone's having sex...with _her_!" he was incredulous, his mouth hanging open as he stared at the woman's vagina.

"I can_ hear you_!" the portly woman shot back, straining to angrily glare at Sakura and Kotetsu, neither of whom cared.

Kotetsu's face turned green as he attempted to take a step in retreat. As he did so, he stumbled through the curtains, entangling himself and pulling them down as he tripped on their length. Sakura looked up from her paperwork, just in time to see the curtains rip from their attachments as Kotetsu struck his head on the door frame. She felt slightly sorry for him, as he had walked in at an inopportune time. This particular patient was quite large by Konoha's standards, making the process more difficult in a plethora of ways. She tossed her gloves aside with a sigh as she realized the chuunin had managed to knock himself unconscious.

"What happened to him?" the patient asked as the nurse efficiently put away the stirrups, prompting the patient to sit upright. The woman's gown was an indecent covering for her body, "Is he gonna live? Oh, he's kinda cute."

"He'll be fine," Sakura sighed as she quickly finished her discharge instructions for the patient. She glanced at the nurse, who was shaking her head in disdain as she stood over the unconscious chuunin, "Can we please get a bed prepared for Kotetsu? Get him something for the nausea, too."

"Yes, Dr. Haruno," the nurse replied, adeptly taking charge of the given situation.

"Thank you," Sakura replied, handing the paperwork to the patient as she turned and stepped over Kotetsu, "It seems we are also having a heart attack coming in, so lets the get team prepared for that as well."

* * *

**~OoOoO~**

* * *

"What the hell is that _smell_?" Kotetsu groaned, squeezing his nose as his eye watered from the putrid odor.

"Patient in Room Two shit himself," Izumo replied, his face green as he stormed out of the room, throwing his gown in the red bio-hazard bin.

"What? How old is he?" Kotetsu's head was still sore from his fall earlier. He rubbed the prominent bump, thinking about what had happened. To be fair, he had _never _wanted to see any woman's vagina in _that _condition. Ever again.

"Forty, and he was too lazy to use the bedpan," Izumo hissed, storming past Kotetsu, "So he thought it was acceptable to shit all over the railing and bedsheets. Asshole!"

"I think I'm gonna vomit," Kotetsu moaned, the smell overwhelming his senses.

Izumo jerked his thumb behind him, "Just go do it in that room, he already did _that_, too. On the floor. I almost fell in it."

"Oh man, I wasn't ready for that, my mouth was open," Kotetsu gagged as he tried to get as far away from the smell as he could. "Lady in Room Six wants to know when she's going to get her CT scan."

"What?" Izumo stormed back out to the front desk, before turning to face Kotetsu, "Did Sakura see her yet?"

"Nope," he replied in disbelief, "She tracked me down to let me know that she hasn't been seen and she needs her IV contrast for her scan, whatever that means"

"What makes her think she's even getting one?" he mumbled as he pulled out the chart, glancing over the growing list of waiting room patients and their complaints. Kotetsu shrugged. Izumo muttered to himself as he looked over her chart, his expression growing dark.

"Oh, that's right, because she had one the _last one hundred times_ she was here for abdominal pain, pain when she pees, headache, backache—you name it, seriously!" He threw his hands up in exasperation, "She's here literally every other day!"

Izumo scanned the list in front of him, glancing up at the busy emergency room, "Menstrual cramps in a 17-year-old? Really, is that an _emergency_? What the hell? Constipation? Is that a reason to come to the _emergency _room?"

Kotetsu said nothing, watching Izumo flail about, infuriated by the slew of non-emergent cases that were filling up the front room. They had just received a call over the radio informing them of two stroke victims that were being brought in from some random small outlying suburb. The department rooms were quickly filling up, and half of them not with people who should be deemed an emergency.

"Well, we do have one interesting case," Kotetsu offered.

"Hmm?" Izumo raised an eyebrow as he perused the chief complaints.

"Dude in Room Five with the vibrator in his ass. Still can't recall how it got there," Kotetsu snorted, "Hmph! A vibrator..a chick toy!"

"I'll bet he can't," Izumo smiled; a rare display of good humor. Perhaps Kotetsu did have his uses.

"Still vibrating, too. Now _that's_ one hell of a battery!" Kotetsu shrugged, jerking his thumb behind him.

"Wasn't he just here for something else stuck up there? A bottle or something?" Izumo narrowed his eyes, trying to recall what he had read in the chart.

"Oh, yeah...that _was _him," Kotetsu tapped his chin. He shook his head, "Damn, what's wrong with people?"

"Beats the hell out of me," Izumo sighed, slumping down in his chair.

"Oh, and the woman in Room Ten is in labor," Kotetsu sat in his chair, leaning his head back. "Needs her epidural, so she screams."

"She's eighty," Izumo rubbed his temples, "And psych is on their way. Can't have her wandering the halls naked again. Startin' to scare the other patients."

"Hell, she scared _me_!" Kotetsu scoffed before shuddering, "It's like seeing my grandmother naked! Fuckin' gross."

Izumo rolled his eyes, glancing at the clock. _Five minutes_. If he could just keep everything tamed for a few more minutes, then they could get out of the chaos. The door to the exam rooms opened, and the Headache Lady from earlier—as they had deemed her—slowly walked out, her gait slightly unsteady as she wore a wide grin on her face.

"How's your pain?" Kotetsu asked waving her through.

"Soooo much better," the woman gushed, "Thank you both sooo much. You are really, _really_ compassionate!

"Yeah, yeah," Izumo tried to not roll his eyes. It was amazing how much people changed after a little pain medication through their IV lines. As if on cue, two nurses came through the double doors, both wearing the same hats Kotetsu had on earlier.

Izumo raised an eyebrow, "Hey, Kotetsu, aren't those hats like the one-"

"Don't even," Kotetsu snapped in retort. "Not funny."

* * *

**~OoOoO~**

* * *

The two men slowly walked out of the hospital, and Izumo realized that, for the first time in a long while, they had actually worked _together_. He was proud of the way Kotetsu had handled himself during their shift, lending a hand and not shirking duties.

"Hey, Kotetsu?" he murmured, deciding to voice his praise.

"Huh?" the chuunin replied, absent-mindedly rubbing the knot on his head.

"Good job tonight," Izumo replied softly.

"Oh...yeah," Kotetsu grimaced as he touched the tender spot on his head, "Wasn't too bad was it?"

The two men walked for some time, and Kotetsu spoke this time, "Thanks, man, really."

"For what?"

"For being a friend. I know that...that you were punished for something I did...and I appreciate, er, your friendship or whatever..."

Izumo stared at him for some time, taken aback by Kotetsu's sudden emotional confession. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion, "What is it you want?"

Kotetsu stood there, awkwardly rubbing his neck for some time. "You, uh, know all those nursing home patients that came in tonight? The ones who smelled like stale urine and their beds were dirty? You know, typical old fogies and shit?"

"Yeah?" Izumo was becoming oddly interested in where the conversation was going...

"Well, uh, can you promise to not let me get that senile? I don't care if you have to club me and bury me, just don't let me shit my pants and live in a nursing home on an oxygen tank, rambling about when the First Hokage walked the earth."

"Oh," Izumo replied, slowly understanding Kotetsu's awkward display of concern, "Don't worry, you won't get like that."

"Huh? How do you know that?" Kotetsu looked dumfounded.

"Because," Izumo turned to start walking to his apartment, "I'm probably going to kill you when the Hokage assigns our punishment for your stupid ass comment earlier. Problem solved, douchebag."

With that, he waved before turning the corner, leaving a speechless Kotetsu standing in the early morning fog.


	6. Through the Looking Glass

Just a oneshot I had on my computer. I wanted to share. Let me know what you think! Thanks :)

_I'm not who I used to be _  
_ No longer easy on the eyes_  
_ These wrinkles masterfully disguise _  
_ The youthful boy below_

-DCfC_  
_

* * *

~O.O.O~

* * *

Kotetsu stared off into the far distance of the city as he was wheeled out onto the veranda. His chair softly squeaked as he was slipped into place beside his friend. Izumo's blank stare remained focused ahead as he sucked on his lower lip. He said nothing, gazing in silent prayer as his cloudy irises slid in and out of focus. Kotetsu remained quiet, mostly out of respect, though he had an urge to snap his fingers in front of Izumo's eyes. Then, at least, he could ensure that Izumo was still breathing. Instead, he sat there, letting his best friend of over eighty years sink back into some unknown memory.

After what felt like an eternity, Izumo sighed, his voice barely above a whisper, "Today is always difficult."

Kotetsu said nothing, nodding in soft affirmation. Izumo had been this way, on this particular day, every year for the past decade and a half. _Since Anko's passing, _he reminded himself.

The kunoichi had bravely fought her malignancy, but was eventually overcome by the disease ravaging her body. Izumo had gone down hill after that; he had never been the same. Kotetsu supposed that's how anyone is after the death of their spouse—their closest friend and lover. It was an inevitable reaction to loss. He knew how much his friend has cherished his wife of nearly sixty years. Kotetsu thought back to that difficult time; he had visited Izumo daily, hoping to ease his friend's pain in any way possible. Back then, he was more capable. They both had been.

Kotetsu had nearly laughed at Anko's funeral as his eyes scanned the mourning crowd. Everyone present was a ghost of what they had once been; mere shells of Konoha's elite. The former shinobi were slowly dropping like flies, and the next generation was being taken. Kakashi was the last of his comrades, and Kotetsu could remember the former Team Seven leader drooling through the entire funeral. He had spoken out, his comments uncalled for, though Kotetsu was positive the balding shinobi had no idea where he was. Naruto, who had just retired as Hokage, had dutifully completed the ceremony, wiping tears away as he reminisced about his first encounter with Orochimaru's feisty pupil.

Kotetsu knew that Izumo had been diligent in caring for Anko, at first refusing Sakura's help when the former medic offered assistance. Izumo had eventually caved after breaking down one evening, the memory still vivid for Kotetsu. He had visited after stopping by Shizune's grave and paying his respects to his long-deceased wife, finding Izumo seated at the kitchen table, sobbing into his hands. Izumo had braved her rapidly progressing delirium, though Kotetsu knew it was tearing him up inside. It turned out that Anko had become combative, no longer recognizing the man she had sworn to love forever. Kotetsu had wordlessly patted his friend's back, silently understanding Izumo's pain as the latter scanned the number laying on the table, scrawled in Sakura's hand writing.

The graying medic had been a wonderful help to Izumo, bathing Anko and somehow soothing the anxious, dying kunoichi. Kotetsu had never seen anything like it, but Sakura had somehow found a way to make Anko's passing a beautiful thing. She had died with a smile on her face, holding Izumo's hand as he stroked her forehead, whispering into her ear. Kotetsu was almost jealous of the opportunity given to his best friend. Shizune had been unfairly taken from him, dying during the birth of their twin sons over twenty years earlier. It was that same day that Kotetsu had lost a child—his youngest son—shortly after being swaddled in his father's arms. Izumo had no idea how much his best friend would give to have been fortunate enough to say goodbye to his wife.

"I know," Kotetsu whispered, his voice raspy in the breeze.

His friend's depression would lift, it always did. He nodded to his caregiver, and she left them to their own devices. The two men sat there for hours, until the evening air chilled their skin and the smell of the home's dinner wafted out onto the veranda. It always happened like this, on this day. Izumo would be in a trance for hours, suddenly snapping out of it and returning to himself. Kotetsu knew it was his coping mechanism, so he silently awaited Izumo's return to reality. As if hearing Kotetsu's thoughts, Izumo took a deep breath and lifted himself onto unsteady feet.

"What're you doin'?" Kotetsu sighed as he watched Izumo turn to walk inside. He almost wanted to laugh at Izumo's awkward, stooped posture, "Do you wanna break a hip? Again?"

Izumo shook his head, the first real smile of the day on his thin lips as he patted his hips, "Unlike you, I still got 'em. Both of 'em." With that, he shuffled into the expansive dining room, leaving Kotetsu to chuckle to himself.

"Damn...it was me." His fingers trailed over his right thigh as he recalled that he had nearly twenty screws in his leg from that fracture, "Sure don't make 'em like they used to."

He flicked his wrist, and a young girl appeared at his side, "Yes, sir?"

"My walker," he grunted, tapping his fingers on the wheelchair arm rest as he waited for her to return. When she did, he attempted to rise from his chair. After a few attempts, he sighed, shaking his head. The girl timidly came forward, helping him rise with steady hands that gently supported his rump.

"You tryin' to get fresh with me?" Kotetsu playfully asked, smiling inwardly as he felt her hands wrap around his waist to help him stand.

"N-No, s-s-sir!" the girl fumbled, her cheeks reddening, as she drew back "I'm s-sorry!"

Kotetsu chuckled, wincing as he landed on his bottom, "Only playin' with ya, sweetie. I enjoy the fondling. It's been awhile!"

The girl blinked, her eyes wide as his words and toothless grin sank in. After a few seconds, she recovered, trying once again—this time more enthusiastically—to get Kotetsu to his feet. Once his hands wrapped around the bars of his walker, he stiffly turned and scooted toward the dining room.

"Thanks," he called back over his shoulder as she watched him, a small smile on her lips.

"Sure, Mr. Hagane."

Kotetsu focused his strength as he coordinated his moves. He approached Izumo, sliding by him. "I'm winning!" he called over his shoulder, "See ya!"

He could hear Izumo cursing as the latter tried to gain momentum, though he only succeeded at throwing himself into a coughing spell. Kotetsu triumphantly smirked as he sat at their usual table, watching the other residents shuffle around the large dining hall. Most were widows like he and Izumo, though only a few still had their sanity. Some days, he had to remind himself why he had moved into the nursing home to begin with.

_Because you couldn't wipe your own ass_, he told himself, _and because..._

He watched the nurses rush over to Izumo, who was grimacing as he leaned against the bureau in the hallway before the dining room entrance. Kotetsu suddenly became aware of the situation, slowly pushing himself to his feet, ignoring the food on his tray as he suddenly knocked it to the floor. Soon, his friend disappeared from his view as the nurses became more numerous, a sea of white flooding the room.

"Move it, will ya!" Kotetsu growled, as he attempted to push a few of the smaller nurses aside. Those were the ones he thought he could still forcibly move. "I said.._move it_!"

After another round of cursing, the nurses made way, allowing Kotetsu through. He approached the center of the circle, finding Izumo there, holding an oxygen mask over his face and breathing deeply. Next to him was the home's respiratory therapist, speaking in hushed tones to him. Had his hearing still been intact, Kotetsu may have been able to hear the exchange between the two. He watched Izumo nod occasionally.

"Is he gonna be alright? What's wrong?" Kotetsu asked, worry in his voice as he spied another nurse wiping the sheen of sweat from Izumo's head.

A few wary glances passed around the crowd, as the respiratory nurse looked to Izumo for guidance. He waved his hand, asking them to move away and let him breathe. Kotetsu waited as his friend pulled the mask from his face.

"Nothin'...I'm fine...just a bit short of breath...that's all."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Izumo huffed, placing the mask over his face for another deep breath. He pulled it away once again, "Just go gloat over your win, I'll be there soon."

"Dammit, don't scare me again, you old hag," Kotetsu grumbled, turning back to his table. He hid his relief as a small smile twitched at his withered lips.

A handful of minutes later, Izumo joined him, waving away the help that hovered pointed to the table, and the nurse set down his tray. Kotetsu said nothing, watching his friend eat in silence. He leaned forward, slowly slurping his watery soup and wondering if the lack of taste was due to his dying taste buds or the home's shitty cooking. As he wordlessly pushed his tray away, another nurse approached, placing the handful of pills in front of Izumo. She followed the move with an offering of apple juice.

"What're those?" Kotetsu asked, nodding toward the pills.

"Mind your own business. They're for my prostate," Izumo shot back, quickly placing the pills in his mouth and gulping down his juice. Most of it dribbled down his chin and onto his shirt.

Kotetsu eyed the pills suspiciously, "I've never seen you take 'em before."

"So?" Izumo replied, wiping his mouth and ignoring the food on his shirt.

"Nevermind," Kotetsu answered softly as he stared at the cheap lace tablecloth. Lately, he had felt distant from his best friend. He tried to chalk it up to the time of year, which was a difficult time for Izumo. Still, he couldn't hide his discontent, though his friend didn't seem to notice.

"You wanna play bingo tonight?" Kotetsu asked, changing the subject as he pushed his tray away. An aide came by and swiftly removed it.

"Eh, sure," Izumo grunted, a pained look flickering over his face.

"You alright?" Kotetsu asked through narrowed lids.

"Jus' indigestion," Izumo patted his rounded abdomen, smiling slightly.

Kotetsu nodded, feeling somewhat better because of the gesture, "Hate that shit."

"Sure, let's do bingo," Izumo answered after a few moments, "haven't done that in a while, have we?"

"No, you've been too busy bein' a whiny bitch," Kotetsu pushed himself upright, wobbling on unsteady legs.

"Where're you goin'?" Izumo looked surprised.

"It's may nap time, dammit," Kotetsu rubbed his eyes, "You know how cranky I get if I don't get my nap in."

Bingo was uneventful, as usual. There were fights amongst the residents, a usual occurrence during the card games. Kotetsu had rolled his eyes, muttering profanities under his breath as Izumo smiled and shook his head, most likely not hearing most of what his friend had uttered. They were sitting on the veranda, watching the clear night sky while drinking hot milk. The silence was not unwelcome, providing a gentle comfort for the duo as they fell into their usual routine.

"Kotetsu?" Izumo's voice was soft, his eyes closed.

"Hmm?" Kotetsu replied, having thought Izumo had nodded off some time ago. He slurped the last of his milk, setting the porcelain cup on the end table. He leaned back, resting his hands so his midsection. How had he gained so much weight?

"Remember that promise I made to you...years ago?"

"Which one?" Kotetsu asked, his eyes trailing after a shooting star. "You've promised to kill me a hundred times over."

"I did, didn't I?" Izumo answered, chuckling softly, "Never did follow through on any of it!"

"You're too chicken," Kotetsu answered, amusement in his voice.

"True." Kotetsu could hear Izumo nod. After a few moments, he spoke again, "The one after our ER shift at the hospital. Fool!"

"Hnh?" Kotetsu grunted.

As the long-forgotten memory dawned on him, he smiled, remembering how angry Izumo had been with him. It didn't compare to the fury his friend showed after Tsunade had installed their next punishment. For some reason, Izumo really disliked having to shovel cow manure, Kotetsu recalled. He briefly thought about Tsunade. Even on her deathbed, she had managed to keep her young appearance. How he wished he could be young again, for just one day!

"The one where you asked me to make sure that you didn't live in a nursing home and go senile?"

"Oh...yeah, forgot about that," Kotetsu tapped his chin, "Guess you fucked up on both ends, no?"

Izumo guffawed, shaking his head, "Guess so." After a few more moments, he leaned back, his voice once again soft, "Well, how'd I do?"

"With what?" Kotetsu wasn't sure he understood what his friend was asking him. Why was he suddenly so nostalgic?

"Well, would you say I kept my promise to the best of my ability?" Izumo's voice wavered slightly.

Kotetsu thought about it, answering slowly and with purpose, "I'd say you've been the best friend. Ever. No matter how much shit I got us into, you stuck by me. Despite living here," he waved his hand, "I can say you've always kept your promises. I'm lucky to have had you as a friend." They sat in silence for some time, Izumo stunned at Kotetsu's small speech. Kotetsu, himself, hadn't expected to deliver such an eloquent response, "I mean...thanks, buddy!"

After an hour, Izumo finally stood, waving for a nurse to come help him walk back to his room. It was that time, and Kotetsu knew it. As of late, Izumo had been going to bed much earlier than he used to. As he hobbled away, he placed an aged hand on Kotetsu's shoulder. Kotetsu could feel the slight tremor in his grip.

"Thank you," Izumo whispered as he was slowly lowered into a wheelchair with the help of an assistant.

Kotetsu smiled, not meeting his friend's gaze, "Eh, don't mention it. Seriously. I don't want people to know I'm getting soft in my old age. Especially not my kids."

Izumo laughed, wiping the moisture from cheeks as he was wheeled away, "Old pervert."

Kotetsu sat like that for some time, reveling in the night's beauty as he made wishes on shooting stars. He didn't dwell on his conversation with Izumo. After an hour or so, he, too, retired to his own room.

Kotetsu dressed, intending to walk next door to wake Izumo, who had recently began an unusual habit of sleeping in. He cursed himself as his arthritic fingers refused to conquer the buttons of his shirt, instead choosing to pull on a sweater. He opened the door to his meager apartment, not immediately noticing the crowd gathering outside in the hall. Staff was entering and exiting the room next to his.

"What the-" he growled under his breath, "Move outta my way! Important breakfast stuff to go to!"

He immediately halted, realizing that the crowd was gathered outside of Izumo's room. He felt his heart race, "What's goin' on?" he asked a random resident.

"Don't know," she answered, "think someone's passed. Third one this week, bad omen..."

"Passed?" Kotetsu repeated, confused. "Pssh, lady you need to get your facts straight-"

The head nurse, who was speaking in hushed tones to a nearby employee, noticed Kotetsu. She waved at him, "Mr. Hagane!"

Kotetsu froze as he saw her grim expression. Her eyes were red and her lips were white as she pursed them firmly together. She began to slowly walk toward him. When she neared him, she placed a hand on his shoulder, guiding him toward the open door of Izumo's room.

"What's goin' on?" he asked, feeling disoriented. . His mouth was suddenly dry, and he felt like he had eaten cotton for breakfast.

"I'm sorry," the nurse whispered, looking ahead as someone shut the door behind them.

"For what?" he asked, following her gaze. He glanced around the familiar, neat room, noticing the white sheet drawn up over the body on the bed. "No..." he stopped, suddenly feeling faint.

The nurse curved her arm around his waist, helping him remain steadfast on his feet as the shock set in. She tightened her grip, "Do you want to see him?"

Kotetsu licked his lips, nodding his head. He didn't trust himself to speak; he was still too numb to process what was happening. He was escorted to the bed, barely registering what was occuring around him. The nurse stopped at the bedside, watching his reaction.

"When? How?" Kotetsu choked, his eyes watering as he saw the sheet covering the familiar silhouette of his best friend. He glanced around the room, refusing to believe what he was seeing. He knew that there was no denying it.

"He had been ill for some time, Mr. Hagane. He asked that we not tell you-" she began, her voice soft as she sat next to him, her hand patting his.

"Bullshit! We told each other everything!" he hissed, the anger taking over. How dare she lie about Izumo hiding information from him!

"I understand how you must feel," she took a deep breath, "but he had been battling his cancer for six months now."

_Cancer_? "What cancer? First time I've heard of this."

"Prostate cancer, sir," she answered honestly. "It had spread to his lungs...it was his wish that you not know. It seems he didn't want you to worry..."

She stared ahead, her own eyes watering as the tears slowly slipped down her cheeks, "It wasn't just you, sir, he didn't alert his own family, even when his treatment was failing. Instead, he bravely fought the pain."

Kotetsu was dumfounded. How had he not known Izumo had _cancer_? Sure he suspected his friend was sick, but _cancer? _"The pills...those stupid horse pills..."

She nodded, "Mostly for pain, yes." His stomach knotted, and he felt as if were going to puke. She drew her hand up to the covers, her fingers hooking under the edges, "Do you want to see him?"

Kotetsu licked his lips as his eyes flickered to her face, "No, I know what he looks, like. What kind of morbid question is that?" _Deep breath, Kotetsu_.

"Sometimes it helps, for closure," she explained, confused by his response.

They stared at one another for some time: Kotetsu wondering why Izumo had tried to protect him and the nurse confused as to why Kotetsu did not want to say goodbye to his friend. Finally, Kotetsu answered, a small smile tugging at his wide mouth as he accepted the feeling that had been clawing at his insides for the past few months. He had long ago realized that this time was coming much sooner than he had wanted.

"Lady, I don't need closure. If Izumo didn't want me to know...and he wanted to off and die, I don't need to see him to believe it. For ten years we ate breakfast together every morning. He was never late, not once. For the past _two_ months, he had been the last one down to breakfast..." He stood, the smile pulling at his lips just a little more, despite the sadness that overwhelmed him. He fought back the tears, "I was in denial, but I knew. Yeah...I knew somethin' wasn't right."

"Sir?" she asked, her expression softening as a hint of understanding flickered across her features.

_I'm lucky to have had you as my friend. _ Kotetsu had known. This wasn't unexpected, though he could have never prepared for the pain.

"That man, right below those covers," Kotetsu pointed with a crooked finger, "was—no,_ is_—the best friend anyone has ever had. If he died thinking he had saved me from some grief, he is wrong, you hear? But, if I can repay him by playing dumb and allowing him to think that, then I've done my job. I've finally one-upped the bastard."

The woman moved away from the bed, a knowing smile on her face as she wiped away a few stray tears. She walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, "You're a good friend, Mr. Hagane."

"Woman, if you knew how much shit I dragged him through over the decades, you wouldn't say that." He looked at the covered body of his best friend, the tears finally forming, "Yet, he stuck by me through all of it. And if this was the only way I could repay him, then so be it. He's been aching to be with his wife for so long that I was getting' tired of hearing him whine. Hell, I'd have given him pillow therapy if he'd have asked!" She softly laughed as she allowed him to continue, "It's only fair he leaves before me. That way, I can deal with the pain of his passing, and not vice versa. No, he didn't deserve that. Izumo never deserved that."

He slowly turned and shuffled toward the door. The nurse swiftly walked past him, pulling the door open, waiting for him to pass through it. Kotetsu turned, his watery eyes falling on the sheeted silhouette of his best friend. This time, he didn't hold back his tears. He stood there, silently mourning as he realized that he'd never speak to Izumo again. How much time was left for him, he had no clue, but he knew that it would be a little dimmer without Izumo there with him. The tears silently trailed through the crevices of his withered skin as they freely fell from his eyes. A smile tugged at his lips as he realized that he had finally been able to pay his best friend back. It had taken him over eighty years to do so, but it was the least he could do. His fingers curved around the door frame as he prepared to walk out of Izumo's cozy room for the last time. Before he did, he turned to speak to his departed partner in crime.

His voice was a raspy, tear-filled whisper as he payed his final respects, "Goodbye 'Zumo. See you on the other side, my friend...my brother."


	7. The Green Beast

**It's been a while since I've posted one about these two. My do I enjoy them! I really don't know where I get the inspiration. Let me know your thoughts/feelings/favorite whatever. **

**Happy Reading!**

* * *

******~OoOoO~**

* * *

"Sensei asked me to leave this with you," Lee slid the sealed envelope across the table, eyes downcast.

"Did he now?" Kotetsu raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"Y-yes!" Lee bowed, his face turning red.

"What else did he ask you to do?" Kotetsu continued through narrowed lids.

Lee did not look up, but his ears relayed his silent embarrassment. He hated having to do this. "H-he w-w-wanted me to have you give h-his _love_!" he spat the last word, his fists clenching as his lips formed it.

"Understood," Kotetsu nodded, his expression suddenly serious. "Tell Guy that it is a mission." He pulled the envelope toward him, the paper scratching across the grainy surface of the table. He neatly secured the letter in the front pocket of his flak jacket.

Lee peeked up at them through his incredibly even raven locks. He licked his pale lips. "I," he began, his gaze averted, "would like to know this lady's credentials!"

"Credentials?" Izumo looked up from the report Tsunade had given him. He glanced at Kotetsu, his confusion evident on his face. His friend waved his hand in silent dismissal. Izumo inwardly groaned.

_I'll fill you in. Later_, Kotetsu silently mouthed. Izumo said nothing, as he looked at Lee. He was curious as to the contents of that letter...what could get Lee this riled up? Surely it had to do with Guy, _that _much was obvious. He was like an overprotective mother, and Izumo's curiosity was piqued.

Kotetsu cleared his throat, voice diplomatic. "Did your sensei agree to this information being passed to you?" Lee remained quiet. Kotetsu continued, "I thought as much. If Guy _wanted _you to know, Lee, he would have told you _himself_."

Izumo was impressed. Kotetsu was mustering his most authoritative tone, and his friend knew what _that _meant: Kotetsu was up to no good. Again. He inwardly cringed, despite being partially interested. Izumo knew that whatever his partner was enmeshed in was likely to get both of them into trouble. He watched Lee's face burn crimson. The young chunin turned on heel and stormed off, the whole time mumbling under his breath.

Izumo waited until Lee was out of sight and earshot before he swung around to face Kotetsu. "Spill it. Now!" he impatiently growled. "This better be good!"

Kotetsu's eyes were wide with mock innocence, and he even batted his eyelashes in hopes of gaining sympathy. Izumo wanted to strangle his friend. "I am merely helping a certain jonin in our village find love! _Love_, Izumo!"

"I bet my ass you are," he grumbled in reply. He could handle pranks, but toying with a man's heart was just low.

"How could you think so horribly about moi, Izumo?"

"Because why would you go so far as to do something _nice _for someone _else_?" he spat, still partly angry at their last punishment. At some point, he knew Tsunade would likely have them beheaded for treason. A sly grin spread across Kotetsu's face as he quickly pulled the letter from his jacket, tearing it open with childish glee.

"W-what are you doing?" Izumo cried out. "That's private information!"

Kotetsu held the letter out at arm's length, his nose wrinkled in distaste. "Man, Guy sure as hell spruces these things up with his cologne. Eau d'toilet or whatever that dude wears. Smells like a tree or something boring." Tears ran down his face as the cologne burned his eyes and nostrils.

"A-are those hearts?" Izumo grunted, mouth downturned in distaste as he squinted at the envelope. He quickly returned to being disinterested, sneaking looks at the letter in Kotetsu's grip.

"Yup. What an odd fellow."

Izumo groaned, realizing that Guy thought he was writing a _real person_ with a _real interest_ in him. "What the hell have you done now?"

His friend grinned, "I'm giving Guy something to occupy himself with. That man needs laid like no other!" He plucked a pen from Izumo's pocket and began furiously scribbling on a piece of paper.

"You're _writing him love letters_?" Izumo was in disbelief.

"Not like that!" Kotetsu waved his hands. "I'm pretending to be some hot young thing. I exchange letters with him, and vice versa!" He fanned the letter in the air, wafting the strong scent of Guy's cologne through the guard post. "I have no real intention of going any further, so to speak. It'll fizzle out, trust me. You can't dig a chick you're never gonna meet."

Izumo remained mum, afraid that he would kill Kotetsu if they had to debate the morality of this prank any further. His friend broke the silence. "That kid—Lee-he's really pissed off that his sensei seems to be distracted by his pretend-but-Guy-doesn't-know-is-pretend lady friend. You'd think he has a crush on Guy or something. Hey wait-!"

Izumo dropped his head into his hand with a groan of resignation. "I. Can't. Believe. You."

Kotetsu ignored the comment, his eyes searching in the direction that Lee had walked. "What kind of underwear do you think he wears?"

"What? What the hell kind of question is that?" Izumo's head shot up, his face twisted in a grimace.

Kotetsu shrugged. "I was just wonderin'. I mean, that green suit is so tight—and I see no lines—whaddya think? G-string? Commando?"

"You're sick."

"Come on, I know you've at least thought about it once," his friend began to peel the letter apart.

Izumo was quiet for some time, face pale. Finally, after a few minutes, he spoke, but avoided Kotetsu's eyes. "Nothing," he whispered hoarsely. "He wears nothing under that goddamned green unitard."

Kotetsu nodded, "I thought the same thing. You know, it's gotta be unhygienic or something—"

"I can't believe we are talking about this," Izumo mumbled, his fingers pushing through his hair. He was already getting a headache. It wasn't even noon yet!

Kotetsu held the letter under the table so no one could see. Izumo tried not to laugh as Kotetsu's lips moved with each word he read. He knew Kotetsu was sensitive about his inability to read quickly. He almost lost that battle when Kotetsu's finger began to trail along the sentences he was reading. When he was finished perusing Guy's love letter, he folded it and chuckled. "Oh man," he shook his head. "Man."

Izumo said nothing. _I don't want any part of this. I don't want to know! _he silently reminded himself.

"That was the best one yet," Kotetsu murmured to himself as he slowly began to tuck the letter into his jacket. Izumo tried to ignore the curiosity that was clawing at his insides.

"What a—" Kotetsu toyed. Before he could finish his thought, Izumo impatiently ripped the letter from his hands, quickly reading it. He ignored Kotetsu's satisfied grin as he scanned the intricate inner workings of an emotionally vulnerable Might Guy. When he was finished, he felt cheap and dirty. He wordlessly folded the letter and slid it across the table. Kotetsu slipped it back into the envelope, offering nothing. The two sat there in a comfortable mulling silence for a few moments.

It was Izumo who finally broke the serenity. "That was the most disgusting thing I ever read," his face turned red from the memory. "'_Love like the sweetest glow of morning's sunrise?'_ I puked in my mouth!"

"What about '_my heart beats for your springtime of womanhood'_?" Kotetsu asked.

Izumo shook his head, "Where does he come up with this crap?"

"I don't know, but I would guess that he has read way too many cheesy women's novels. You know: big biceps, rippling muscles, gigantic throbbing pen—" his voice rose in emphasis, serving only to catch the ears of the passersby.

"OK! I get it!" Izumo yelled, clamping his hand over Kotetsu's mouth as an elderly lady walked past. She gasped before wagging a finger at them and rushing away after yelling, "Perverts!"

Izumo was nearly certain it was Naruto's landlady. He slowly removed his hand, glaring at his friend, "Why do you always have to take things too far?"

"Meh, so what?" Kotetsu mused, shrugging. "Who cares if that old bat heard us! She's been here since Konoha was founded. Literally older than dirt…"

"So what?" Izumo echoed. "Let's point out that the real issue at hand is that you managed to make Guy fall in love with a fictional woman. Good job! Now you'll have to break his heart by either telling him that you're an asshole," he was counting on his fingers, "Or write him a letter with some tragic story to get out of this mess, or just stop writing altogether with an explanation…."

"Yeah, and deal with him walking around here in tears for the next few years. No way," Kotetsu whistled as he leaned back, arms behind his head. "I'm thinking about how he wants to meet his lady friend and how we can make that happen."

"Wait, what?" Izumo slapped his palms on his thighs. He immediately recognized Kotetsu's stupid grin and was nearly certain he could read his friend's mind. He shook his head furiously. "No. No way. No how. Not happenin'. Just…no. Bad idea. Bad!"

"Why don't we meet him?" Kotetsu's eyes sparkled with the challenge and growing slightly unfocused as he ignored Izumo's babbling. "Just once. Then we can have her break it off."

"You're acting like this person really exists, you moron!" Izumo felt his stomach sink. Kotetsu was past the point of no return, thought there was no _easy _way to achieve what the man was plotting. His eyes narrowed into slits as he grit his teeth. "And _how _do you propose you are going to even accomplish something so stupid? You'll have to hire one of the brothel, erm, women—"

"Transformation Technique," Kotetsu cut him off, talking as if it were an obvious answer.

"Do you realize how much chakra it will take? Not to mention how much concentration?"

"We aren't _genin_, Izumo," Kotetsu rolled his eyes. "We can handle it. Just for a few hours, that's all."

"That's all? THAT'S ALL? It's an entire dinner with Might Guy! I don't know how anyone could handle _that_," Izumo groaned. "If I were a woman, I'd want to stab my eyeballs out! I start looking around and fantasizing what I could use to make a shank and kill myself!" His arms were waving around as he became more exasperated.

Kotetsu sat back, arms crossed. He raised an eyebrow has he studied his childhood friend from under heavily-lidded eyes. A small smirk tugged the corners of his mouth upward. Izumo noticed his friend's scrutiny, and his face fell.

"No."

"You can do this," Kotetsu gently prodded.

"No. Fucking. Way." Izumo hissed, his face becoming red.

"Hey, now! He's not so bad!" Kotetsu argued.

"I'm not getting dragged into one of your messes," he cried out. "It always ends badly for me, and this is one of your worst ideas."

Kotetsu pointed to the opened letter, "You wanted to read it, didn't you?"

Izumo's mouth snapped shut. He did read the note. Checkmate.

Maybe it'd be just a tiny bit funny. Guy was so uptight. He resigned himself to his fate with a sigh. "Fine." Kotetsu clapped his shoulder, and Izumo shrugged. He'd been stressed lately; a good joke would make him feel better, perhaps. "I suppose it will give me some amusement."

"_Some_?" Kotetsu whistled. "It'll be the best freakin' night of your life."

"Question?" Izumo's tone suddenly became suspicious. Kotetsu looked at him expectantly. "Exactly _who _do you have in mind to play his girlfriend. Naruto is out, as everyone recognizes his jutsu. I doubt Sakura would go along with it, or Ino. Tenten will annihilate you. Anko might consider it…"

Kotetsu chewed his lip, adjusting his forehead protector. "Well...uh—I thought maybe...you."

"No way in hell!" Izumo roared. "I will _not _be taking part in _that_! Nice try, but no way in fucking hell will I ever go on a datewithMightGuy. Not even if it _were _a Transformation Jutsu!"

"Come on!" Kotetsu whined. "Don't be such a pansy, you little bitch! I'm _clearly_ incapable of pulling off that stunt." He narrowed his eyes. "You always tell me that I suck with women, don't you?"

Izumo contemplated that notion, much to his surprise. He did feel he was superior when it came to the opposite gender. He would be the better choice to pretend to be a female for a few hours.

"Annnd," Kotetsu continued. "You'd be better at the transformation."

Izumo couldn't argue that notion, either. This time, however, he would _not _fall trap to his friend's compliments. His expression was set. "Nope. I will coach you, but this was _your _idea. Take it or leave it."

Surprise flickered across Kotetsu's face, quickly wiped away as he realized that Izumo was not taking the bait. He resigned himself to defeat. He could do this! "Fine," he mumbled. "But you will have to watch my back."

"Deal," Izumo agreed, looking back down at his paperwork. He didn't hide his smile. Maybe, just maybe, this would turn out to be one of Kotetsu's better ideas.

* * *

"How do I look?" Kotetsu warbled, standing awkwardly in the light, smoothing his dress. Izumo cringed. He had managed to create a passable transformation, but was, in no way, a beauty. Hopefully it wouldn't dissuade Guy. He eerily resembled the Inuzuka's mother, though Izumo wondered if it were some deep-rooted unspoken fantasy. It wasn't a compliment.

"Like a beautiful spring flower," the dark-haired jonin replied, smiling widely and handing her a bouquet of roses. Red roses.

"Uh oh," Izumo murmured. "He means business." He heard some rustling to his right. "Lee?" he furiously whispered.

The shinobi looked abashed, "I-I'm looking for my, erm, contact, Izumo-san!" He held an eye and used his free hand to wipe along the ground.

Izumo watched him, brow creased, "Dude. You really need to cut the umbilical cord."

Lee looked at him, confused. "I-I—"

He shook his head. "Look, I get it. You don't want to see Guy with a girlfriend." He looked back in the couple's general direction.

Lee was silent for a moment. "Why are you here, Izumo-san?"

"Huh? Me?" Izumo was caught off-guard by the question. "Well, uh, I was actually, uh, just in the neighborhood!"

Lee watched him carefully, expression blank. He nodded slowly, "Then you can help me."

"Oh no," Izumo muttered under his breath. "You've got to be kidding me."

Lee continued, oblivious to Izumo's annoyance. "We must make this date less desirable."

"You are so weird. Both of you," he breathed. He turned to Lee. "Hey, why don't we follow them, and get a few drinks?" It served both of them. Lee could spy on his sensei, and Izumo could use some liquid tolerance.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"I am the most desirable shinobi in this village," Guy boasted as they walked into the restaurant. It was a busy weekend night, and the shinobi and civilian patrons were abundant.

"Really?" Kotetsu's voice was scratchy and shrill—he had not taken the time to practice his voice, though Guy seemed to not mind. He looked at the shinobi at the bar, a smile on his painted lips. "I've heard that silver-haired one was. At least, hehe, that's what my friend told me."

"Kakashi?" Guy nearly yelled. The jonin turned his head, eye studying Guy's date for a moment. He saluted Guy, who was glaring angrily. "He—He is my rival, sure, but my strength long ago surpassed his."

"I've also heard," Kotetsu couldn't resist, "That he is the village's strongest shinobi as well. Is that not correct?"

"That's it!" Guy huffed, "I will challenge Kakashi to an arm wrestling contest. " He strode up to Kakashi as Kotetsu inwardly cheered. "Kakashi! I have my honor to protect, and so I challenge you to a contest!"

Kakashi glanced at Kotetsu, then back to Guy. He lifted his beer to his lips. "No."

"No? You can't refuse me! It is your duty!"

"No," he repeated again, this time not looking the dark-haired jonin.

"My rival in everything in life," Guy placed a hand on Kakashi's shoulder. The silver-haired jonin slowly looked at the offending hand then back to Kotetsu—who was now sweating. He had an odd feeling that Kakashi was peeking at him from under his forehead protector.

"I think you should enjoy your evening with your….lovely…date," Kakashi answered in a monotone drawl. He sounded slightly intoxicated. "I am no match for your strength."

"Ah, very true. The Green Beast is no joke!" He gave Kakashi a thumbs up. "Good man to know his limits. Remember what happened last time?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, looking unamused. Guy must have recognized that he was pushing it and he quickly cleared his throat. "Let's get a table so we may enjoy this wonderful starry night, my fair lady!"

Kotetsu was escorted away as Kakashi continued to watch him closely. He nodded at the jonin, who continued to drink his beer.

"So, where were we?" Guy asked, now seated across from her.

Kotetsu giggled, "I-I can't remember!" He sipped on his water. He made a conscious effort to avoid alcohol, as he'd likely ruin his cover. Guy reached across the table and stroked his date's hand with a wink. Kotetsu choked on his drink, and now warm liquid squirting from his nostrils. He quickly grabbed a napkin and held it to his face.

Guy laughed, his voice deep and thick with confidence. "I know, my charm is hard to resist."

"You are….quite the handsome beast," Kotetsu feigned, ill at how easily those words came to his mouth. He spied Izumo standing, back to the bar as he spoke with Kakashi. His face was serious. Next to him was Lee, who kept glaring at Kotetsu, eyes red-rimmed.

"What a creep," Kotetsu muttered under his breath.

"My lady?" Guy queried.

"Oh, nothing!" Kotetsu smiled, fanning himself. "Is it hot in here?"

"Or is it just me?" Guy grinned, laughing loudly at his own joke.

Kotetsu was finding that their "date" was not the ball of excitement he had anticipated. He was especially uncomfortable by the way that Kakashi was looking at him. An hour went by, mostly spent by Guy offering flowery compliments and talking about himself. Kotetsu stifled some yawns, doing his best not to nod off, as he wasn't certain he'd be able to keep up his guise.

Finally, Guy leaned forward, "How about we go to my place?" He smiled, his teeth straight and white.

"Oh, not on the first date!" Kotetsu warbled. "I'm not that kinda girl!"

Guy sat back, eye wide, "I would never dishonor you by insinuating such!" He waved around the bar, and Kotetsu caught sight of Lee puking on the floor in between sobs. "I only wished to go to a more private place and talk about each other." He wriggled his thick eyebrows.

Kotetsu wanted to retch. "Well…er…" he stalled.

"Would you rather I walk you to your place?" Guy offered, watching his date's reaction closely.

"I think seeing your place is fine, as long….as long as you don't go getting any ideas!" he did his best to attempt a coy giggle.

Guy laughed with him. "Of course not, my dove!" He reached out a hand, and Kotetsu inwardly cringed as he slipped his own inside.

They exited the loud bar, and he cast one last look over his shoulder. Izumo looked lost, glancing at Lee with a look of frustration. _Help me_! Kotetsu sent the silent plea. He noticed Kakashi still staring at him. It was all quite uncomfortable.

"Wait! Sensei!" Lee yelled as the couple wandered outside and into the street.

"Oh no…" Guy muttered under his breath as they turned to see Lee standing in the doorway, hands pressed on either side of the frame to support himself. Kotetsu was actually interested in this spectacle, and smiled to himself.

"I do not…approve!" Lee pointed at Guy's date. He took an unsteady step, then another. Tears slipped down his face. "Thish ish not a good match."

"Lee, my boy," Guy tried to ameliorate his former pupil, "Let us talk of manly things tomorrow morning, after you have allowed the sake to run its course."

Lee laughed, "I'm s-suuure you'd rather shpend your time with _her_, wouldn't you shen-shay?"

"Lee, this is not becoming of a man of your age," the older man told him, looking slightly baffled, "You should be celebrating in my youth!"

"Yoush?" Lee looked at Guy, eyes glazed. "I do not approve!" Their brilliant banter continued for nearly a half hour before Kotetsu decided they were talking in circles. In his impatience, he cursed under his breath, walked up to Lee, and punched him in square in the face.

Guy stared at his date as the young man toppled backward. Kotetsu rubbed his fist, "I'm sorry, I do not approve of such lewd behavior, Guy. If this is the type of people you hang out with, then I think we are better off—"

Before he could finish, Guy had managed to wrap his arms around Kotetsu's waist and pull him into a kiss. Kotetsu's eyes grew wide as he stood there, lips pressed against Guy's. It was at that exact moment that he heard the familiar snap of a camera, and saw a flash of light. The two pulled apart and Kotetsu's head snapped around to the guilty party.

Izumo stood there, smiling. "I just wanted to get a picture of the happy couple. " His eyes were twinkling. Twinkling! Kotetsu's expression was murderous as he fought down the urge to vomit. Izumo looked at Guy. "You two make such a lovely couple. Would you like a framed copy?"

"With all my heart," Guy kept an arm around Kotetsu, who was leaning away from the shinobi, wishing he were anywhere else. He turned to his date, "Where were we?"

"You were going to take her to your home," Lee moaned from the ground, his inebriation evident in his voice.

"Oh yes. Shall we?" he pulled Kotetsu with him without waiting for a response. The disguised shinobi glared at Izumo over his shoulder. The chunin waved and gave a thumbs up.

* * *

Kotetsu had never been to Might Guy's house. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't impressed with the splendor. It was spotless, though, in his taste, there were too many pictures of a shirtless Guy scattered on the walls. He had to avert his eyes; it was like a train wreck that no one wanted to see but couldn't tear their gaze away from.

"Drink?" Guy had somehow put on an apron and brought a tray of two drinks, each with a fluorescent umbrella.

"Suuuure," Kotetsu murmured, baffled. He was beginning to pity Guy, but he pushed that thought from his head. This was purely for fun.

They sat there in silence for some time, Guy staring ahead. Occasionally he sent a sideways glance at Kotetsu. After a moment, he stood, stretching. "I think I'm going to change into something…more comfortable."

Kotetsu choked on the sugary drink, holding his hand to his mouth. This was becoming a pattern. "I think what you're wearing is fine."

"You're so sweet to admire my most flattering outfit," Guy grinned, "But I insist." He quickly disappeared, and Kotetsu decided it was time to make his exit.

He found the door, his hand turning the doorknob. Upon opening the door, he was met with Rock Lee, whose eye was a deep violet. Lee's non swollen eye widened in alarm. Kotetsu cursed under his breath, letting his guard down enough that he no longer appeared as a female. Lee opened his mouth, invariably to call for his sensei, but Kotetsu beat him to it. With a rapid succession of hand movements, he hit Lee in the windpipe then paralyzed him. He furiously dragged the unconscious shinobi further outside, leaving his body in the bushes.

"Sorry, Lee. We'll have to chat about this later," he told the young man.

"Ah, where are you, my love?" Kotetsu heard Guy calling around the house He cursed under his breath, quickly reverting to his female form as Guy wandered outside the house, "Oh, you look splendid in the moonlight. I hope the fresh air is doing you well, won't you come back inside? I have something I would like to tell you!"

"This is fuckin' dandy," Kotetsu cursed under his breath. He had been so close to escaping. So close! He kicked Lee for good measure as he walked back toward the door. As he approached, he got a closer look at what the older man was now donning. It was a flimsy excuse for a robe, stopping mid-thigh and opened enough to expose Guy's hairy chest.

Kotetsu wandered back into the house, noting that the lighting was just a tad dimmer as Guy escorted him to another room he hadn't seen earlier. Then he saw the candles. And rose petals. And the velvet box on the table. He stopped dead in his tracks, the air leaving his lungs. He felt Guy's hand on his back.

"I am letting you see this because I have a confession," Guy started, walking in front of Kotetsu and grabbing the box. Kotetsu's mouth fell open in shock and fear. "I know how you feel about me. Your last letter made it quite clear. And I have to admit, I was taken aback. But, as I thought about it, I became flattered that you called me your "soul mate"…."

"Who…?" Kotetsu yelped, the reality of what was happening crashing over him. This is not what he had anticipated. _Fucking kill me now_! he silently pleaded to any and all gods.

Guy knelt, taking Kotetsu's hand. He pulled it away, only to have Guy smile and reach for it again, tears glistening in his eyes. "Your letter was so beautiful that I cried myself to sleep for a week. And, while not traditional for the women to do so, your description of how you would like the man who is to be your future husband to ask for your hand was quite detailed. You obviously put a great deal of thought into it."

Kotetsu was reeling, unable to speak. _Letter? I didn't write any letter with these freakish details! _

Guy paid him no mind, continuing, "…it is the man's duty…."

Then it hit him.

"…my heart is yours….."

_Izumo!_

"…I hope to make tonight special in so many ways…"

_I'm going to fucking kill you, Izumo! _

"…will you marry me, my lovely dove?"

Kotetsu drew his hand away, confused. Guy's last words resounded in his head, and he blinked the fury away, his gaze focusing on Guy. He opened his mouth to speak—to refuse—but words failed him. He choked on air, his mouth so very dry. Finally, he croaked, "Guy….where are your clothes?"

Guy looked down at himself, putting his fists on his hips and thrusting them outward in a move he likely considered seductive. He was wearing only a thong. And a very skimpy thong. His hairy chest glistened with whatever oil he slicked on it, and Kotetsu had to pry his eyes away from the fact that Guy's underwear had his own face on the crotch. That picture was very much like the real Guy, smile and all.

"Is that glitter?" Kotetsu eyed the white fabric comprising of Guy's trademark grin. "Wait—erm—" he stepped backward. _Why are you staring at his crotch? _

"Why yes!" Guy thrust his pelvis again. "When I move like this—" _Thrust!_ "It sparkles, see?" _Thrust!_

"Stop! For the love of all that's holy, please stop!" Kotetsu wailed, stumbling backward. He fell onto the couch.

"I understand that it's a lot of glorious man for you to handle," Guy leaped on the couch, sitting with his legs open and stupid smile plastered to his face.

"No—that's not—" Kotetsu began, pushing himself up. Guy moved forward, placing his arms on either side of Kotetsu.

"Oh no, my Little Flower, you are speechless from your adoration of my radiant beauty," his face was so close to Kotetsu's that the latter thought he was going to faint. He only had a few seconds before Guy moved in to show Kotetsu just how much he loved him.

Kotetsu's last thought was about how he was going to murder his best friend if he ever lived to see him.

* * *

Izumo was sitting in the chair, fingers steepled as his eyes drifted closed. He heard his roommate stumble into their small apartment, key clicking in the lock. A smile spread across his lips. He had waited too long for this.

Far too long.

He spun around, reaching for the light and flicking it on. He surveyed the damage. He had expected far worse. He was a bit disappointed.

"Hmm….how did it go?" he asked his friend.

Kotetsu glared at him, "I want to kill you. Fucking murder you."

Izumo smiled. Kotetsu continued to glare. Finally he collapsed into a heap on the floor, head in his hands and shoulders shaking. "The things he made me d-d-do! "

Izumo had to admit, he was surprised that Kotetsu had lasted as long as he did. Though, he didn't feel one bit sorry for the predicament he knew his friend would find himself in upon reaching Might Guy's house.

"You are pure evil, you son of a bitch," Kotetsu wailed. "You're supposed to be my f-friend!"

Izumo raised his hand. He closed his eyes briefly, "Yup, just going to keep that picture in the back of my mind until the day I die."

"Monster."

"How did you escape?" he asked Kotetsu, intrigued.

"Roofies."

"No, really."

"I broke his heart," Kotetsu admitted, looking somewhat ashamed. "I also took Lee out. He showed up at Guy's house."

"Don't worry, he won't remember tonight," Izumo told him.

"How would you know?" Kotetsu narrowed his eyes, his anger abating somewhat.

"Roofies."

Kotetsu gave a half laugh, half snarl. "You asshole." He narrowed his eyes, the two staring at one another. Finally, he conceded. "You sick son of a bitch. Why'd you hafta do that? Ruin a perfectly good plan."

"Payback is not my strong suit," Izumo agreed, "But I think I've outdone myself."

"I'll never forgive you," Kotetsu told him.

"Yeah you will," Izumo stood. "I always forgive you. Besides, no one else will put up with you."

Kotetsu scoffed as he stood, looking weary. "I'm going to bed. I want to pretend this night didn't happen." He glanced at Izumo, "I'll need a solid week before I can talk to you again, dickhead." He took a few steps, turning so that only half of his face was visible. "By the way, he wears briefs. And there's glitter." He retched as he said it, slowly trudging to his room.

Izumo said nothing. He felt slightly sorry for the emotional trauma he caused his friend. He was certain Kotetsu would have post-traumatic stress disorder. He kicked his feet up on the table, leaning back in the chair and allowing sleep to wash over him.

He was going to be paying for a lot of Kotetsu's therapy sessions to recover from this, he knew.

But, hey, what were best friends for?


End file.
